"What hurts the the most, is being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away."
Childhood best friends turned lovers, Amias and Markell, have been in a relationship for nearly 7 years. Love isn't enough and neither is each other...
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For the first time in nearly three years I'm holding Markell in my arms, calming him down while he experiences the anxiety of what could have been a severe panic attack that would lead him into the spiral of drinking enough wock to knock him out for a few days. His hand slowly rubbed up and down my back in an effort to soothe himself. He nuzzled his face further into my neck and I tried not to tense up from the unfamiliar feeling.
It's crazy to think that this was once our norm, That at some point we were a real couple with normal relationship habits. It feels like I'm being touched by a stranger now.
His body slowly starts to relax when he releases me.
"We gotta get right." He said not looking at me.
I notice his vulnerable state for what it is. In a few hours once the trauma of the idea of me no longer being here phases away he'll be back to his normal self. At least our new normal.
I nod my head backing away from him. I try my hardest to regain my composure and allow my wall to go back up and protect myself from his emotions.
"Let's talk about this later. Let's stick to the break for now." I try to change the subject away from this and a part of me hopes he leaves soon so that I can break in peace.
"You are not leaving me." He finally looked up and met my eyes.
"I don't want to argue-
"You are not leaving me." He said, rising up from his seat on my sofa and leaving the room. I exhale when I hear the guest room door slam and I glance up at the ceiling.
Living in constant confusion and guilt is starting to get old.
Nay: Downstairs bring me a water.
I took a deep breath and pulled on my outfit. The custom Chrome Hearts oversized shirt paired well with my Denim Tears jeans. I put on a pair of Tom Ford heels to dress it up and give me some height. Sneakers would've been my preferred choice but I needed something feminine to pull me together. Besides after getting shot up numerous times heels are the least of my worries on the scale of my pain tolerance.
"Damn you got me feeling underdressed." Nay complained when I slid in her G-Wagon. I see she finally got the details completed and her leather seats were now a light shade of olive green contrasting the peanut butter details.
"Something light." I chuckled while pulling out my phone.
My moment with Markell is plaguing my mind and I wish I could shake it. There's something about the way he made it clear that this break wasn't the end. But now I'm even more confused. I couldn't see myself apart from him, he's all I know.
I never had to live without him. The moment we met we became inseparable and I didn't fully trust him but he always found a way to be near me and I didn't reject it. * "What time do you usually get home after school?" Markell asked me while I was adjusting my bookbag. Our sixth grade English teacher had more textbooks than every other teacher. Carrying it was starting to be a problem.
