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𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖

(A|N: another old one i think i made sometime last year in late summer/early fall.)

(cw: first person pov, some sex stuff ig but not explicit, not actually unrequited love, m/f, aki/himeno, introspective angst.)

you were here; the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen.

i think i was afraid. i mean, i was scared of lots of things. losing my position, never able to catch up with the gun, and worst of it, being stuck with you.

you were here, and i didn't appreciate you when you were. i was a kid. a brat. you were older than me and made me feel that mix of awe and frustration your upperclassmen in high school stir within you.

i thought i didn't need you. i thought you needed me more than i needed you, that what we had was quick, fleeting. pointless. that i'd never yearn for it the way i yearned for the death of the big metal bastard.

i was wrong.

you were here, and i was wrong. i am wrong. i'm a stupid, emotional, unstable kid who needed a friend. and you gave that to me. that stability, that silver lining, the dependence. something to rely on, yeah? the first smoke you gave me tasted like orange lip gloss, like creamsicle. i licked my lips after and imagined i had swallowed a piece of you down. it was disgusting at the time. now i just wish i had something, anything to remind me of you.

you were here in a body. a plump-chested, slightly pudgy, round-faced yet strong-chinned, wide-waist ed body. your hands were so warm when they handed me the cigarette. you used to hug me close to your curves and i was so boyish about it. i passed it off as not wanting to get close when really i couldn't get close to you without feeling that yank on an invisible chain inside my mind.

but you were whole where i wasn't. and i was gaping where you needed to be broken. our bodies are so similar, so different. i never got the chance to memorize yours with my hands the way i know you wanted to do with mine.

but i have your hair in my mind's eye. your eye. your smile. your breasts. your stomach. your hips and strong legs. i'm selfish, i'm awful. i want more. i want a body inside my mind that will never die. a requiem of us, this time. what could've been if i hadn't been such a boy.