𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 (Walker Scobell)

In My Mind

TW: Doxxing, ED mention, suicidal ideation, SH, relapse

The suicidal ideation will be dragged onto the next chapter, please be mindful!

As always, if you ever have thoughts/feelings like the ones Jade is feeling in this chapter, please call 988. The world is always a better place with you in it.

~~

At least 30 seconds had passed. My phone had restarted. The texts remained there, unread. Calls flowed in and out, and my voicemail became full. I sat on my bed, waited a bit, then lied down. I stared at the poster on the wall before flipping onto my back.

I stared at my ceiling now, tears failing to go back where they came from. How the hell did it go from nasty comments on my social media accounts to nasty texts? How did they even find my number? Had I gotten doxxed? I wasn't willing to risk it. I just cried and cried. I didn't think I could run out of tears until I did. When I did, I just stared into the ceiling.

My brain wandered, and after a while, it felt like I wasn't even in my own body anymore. I sat up and realized I wasn't necessarily in my bed anymore, but more in this vast space. "Hi there!" I heard a bright voice. I jumped, before realizing it came from this little spiky ball of light. "Welcome to the brain!"

"Okay, maybe this is a dream after all," I thought, but the words echoed off the... walls? There were no walls.

"Trippy, ain't it?" the light said, moving slowly. I couldn't help it; I had to follow it. "This is your brain silly!"

"No it ain't," I thought, but they only echoed again. "Okay, quit it!"

"I can't! You're thinking, therefore, you can hear the echoes!" This light was way too perky. "Follow me. I think you'll wanna see this." We now passed rows and rows of spheres. I thought I could make out the first time I met Lele. Along with some other things...

"What are you?" I asked, using my voice instead of my voice. It didn't echo as much.

"I'm Guiding Light. I'll be taking you on this trip to see something."

"Something?" I asked, but Guy stayed quiet now. "What are you going to see?" I tried again. We walked for what felt like minutes. But when I looked at the time, it was frozen.

"Oh great, she's here." I stop, turning to see a younger version of me. It was in a cage, trapped and unable to escape. To make matters better, I looked like I was 12. "Come back for more?" Fuck. I forgot.

"No. I'm good. There's a better way to deal with this," I tell... it. When I was 12 years old, Dad was gone for an entire year. I felt really lonely, and I was on the internet. I ended up making a couple wrong choices. There's a reason I don't wear shorts now.

"Of course there is. That's what you said about our thoughts," it retorted, filing her nails. It was something out of character though, since I have always bitten my nails.

"Okay guys, let's be nice," I heard Guiding Light say.

"Leave the past in the past," I scoffed, turning around to leave. But the voice stopped me again.

"Of course. Remember when you found out about your dad and the show?" Low blow. That's when the thoughts got extreme, and I found a temporary escape.

"Leave that out of this," I warned. I could feel my leg stinging over the scars.

"What about James?" it said, standing up now. "That wasn't your leg that suffered.You wanted to look pretty. So, you starved yourself. Every day for 2 months."

"Leave me alone!" I yelled, and then it burst through her cell. Guiding Light disappeared. It lunged towards me, knocking me to the floor. "Get off of me!" I exclaimed, trying to shove it off.

"I will when you realize it's time. All that I shoved down has to come back to light eventually. You're going to have to give in eventually," it spit out, the words going through my ears. I needed to get out of here. "You wanna leave, don't you? Then do it! Leave! You can't survive out there and you know it!" it screamed.

I shot up out of my bed, rubbing my thighs, which were stinging hard. What the hell was that? Some sort of dream? Had I fallen asleep? It didn't feel like it. But it was so... realistic...

Cut.

Maybe it was right. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for this. I think it's time to give up and go home. But I only had 3 more weeks of shooting... Why not wait it out?

Cut.

I took a deep breath to ground myself. My thoughts were all scrambled, mixed with hopeful but dark thoughts. Thoughts of the same severeness as before. Thoughts like "maybe the world wouldn't miss me as much." No. I wasn't going to let those thoughts win.

Do it. Cut. You know you want to again.

I shook the thoughts out of my head, trying to conjure up a sliver of calm. Of course, right when I tried to make it seem like everything was getting better, the texts started up again. I remembered that I had an option to be texted to the email linked to my icloud. Damn, why the hell were these fans so persistent? All this over a paparazzi picture? If I knew this would happen, maybe I wouldn't have asked my dad to let me audition. Maybe I should've stayed home.

Cut. Cut.

This time, I wasn't even going to go through them. I knew that if I did, I would be pushed over the edge. Actually, I was already over the edge. I just couldn't catch a break this week, could I?

When are you going to listen to me and make everything feel better? CUT.

I left my phone on the table and walked over to the kitchen, grabbing a mango and a knife. I peeled and ate the mango, enjoying the sweet taste. I tried using it to clear my mind a bit. It worked temporarily, but then Dad called me. How'd he get through? I stared at the caller ID until it disappeared. 5 seconds later, it reappeared again. "Papi 💗" was calling me again. I ignored the call again, then waited for it to come on my screen again, but it didn't. I grabbed the knife I used to cut the mango and washed it, bringing it back to the table. The words Past Me said came back to me. "You're going to have to give in eventually," it said.

You have the materials. Do it. Cut. It's right there.

I stared at the knife in front of me, looking between it and my arm. It seemed to have a dotted line where I should cut. Dangerous for sure. I decided to try and ground myself again, taking deep breaths and thinking about why I shouldn't do this.Why this would affect more than just me. After 5 minutes though, the thoughts got louder and louder. I picked up the knife, took a deep breath, and lined it up against my wrist.

Finally. Do it.

I started to put a small amount of pressure, but something stopped me just in time. Bella had opened my door with a spare key they had and just stared between me and the knife.

"J?" they asked, face turning from worry to anger to worry again. "What the fuck are you doing?"