Deadly Desires

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I brush some tears from my eyes as I sit down on a park bench, I've just come back from the funeral for Callum's parents. It was a beautiful ceremony.

And one that should not have happened, he killed them to hurt me. Lives wasted and taken just like that and it's all my fault.

Footsteps echo behind me and I don't bother turning around to see whose they are. I know it's him.  I look away when Nikolai sits next to me, I don't want him to see my tears. I don't want him to know how badly his actions have affected me.

"Look at me, Ivy." He says immediately, I refuse his request and continue looking off to the side.

I think he wants a fight, which is why I won't give it to him. I'd hate him to give him the satisfaction. And I don't have any weapons on me, otherwise, I'd have jammed my knife into his arteries. I was going to have to start bringing weapons with me to a funeral in case the devil showed up again in a black tux.

"Oh you're angry with me," Nikolai says, sighing. "Haven't you and I been playing this game long enough for you to not give me the silent treatment?"

"You orphaned a small boy for no good reason," I say, flatly.

"No, you orphaned a small boy for trying to kill me again and failing, again." Nikolai counters.

I snap my head to look at him, no longer caring that he can tell I've been crying. "I don't know what's wrong with you to make you so heartless but you cannot justify this to me, what you've done is wrong. It's wrong."

Nikolai looks at me, his cold gaze softening ever so slightly as he takes in my tears. He's silent for a moment and then he speaks, "No it is not something I can justify and I am making no attempt to. Do you think you're a hypocrite for being upset about this?"

"Excuse me?" I fire back, my grief churning into rage.

"When you are given a photo of your victim and instructions on how or where to kill them do you think about their family, what their death will do them? Do you hesitate to pull the trigger or drug them because you feel remorse for the innocent life you're taking? I suspect you don't. You shouldn't, no effective assassin can afford compassion or empathy."

I don't say anything as his words wash over me, polluting my rage. My silence only gives him more room to speak.

"You are not angry with me because I killed someone. Only that I killed people you cared about. Why should I show Max and Clarise mercy when I have never shown it to my previous targets? You tried to kill me, Ivy. They were collateral damage, it isn't fair and it isn't right but I wonder why you think you have a right to be angry...are you a hypocrite?"

"Stop talking." 

Nikolai turns over and reaches for my face, I flinch at his touch but if he notices he doesn't show it. He brushes my tears away with his thumb, it's an act of kindness.

How ironic he comforts me about something he has done to me. How ironic he is to wipe my tears when he is the reason they fall. How ironic he is the one to have hurt me and yet I crave his reassurance.

There is something wrong with him and there is something wrong with me.

"What will you do now, Poison?" He asks me, pulling away as he looks ahead taking in the view of Central Park.

"I don't know. Maybe I ought to try and kill you again." I say out loud, staring ahead like him.

"If you do try, you better not fuck it up." He says, biting the inside of his cheek.

"And what are you going to do now? You said you didn't want to kill me is that true?"

"Circumstances can and will change everything," Nikolai says.

I respect that. He won't kill me for the sake of it but if I try and kill him again he will try and kill me. If I do something awful to him he will try and kill me.

We're playing a game of chess and it's my move we're both waiting for.

"Why did you stop me from being raped by those Russian men?" I ask him suddenly, "And don't say it was the decent thing to do because you kill people for a cheque and there's nothing decent about that or you."

Nikolai flexes his jaw which ignites a curiosity in me, we're walking towards dangerous territory. We're in the grey area of our relationship where we both don't know what to do with one another.

I care about him too much to kill him and yet I hate him enough to want him dead. This is why two sociopaths shouldn't be placed together. How many bodies have we left behind us in our game?

"Rape is worse than death for most people, it kills you without taking your life." He answered finally. It's a good answer, it's how I feel. But I know there's more to this. More to his reasons.

And sitting here with him on this bench, with me in my funeral dress and him in his black tuxedo I want to know the truth. His truth.

"I've done my research on you, I know about your family. I know that your father operates multiple gangs in Russia, was that one of them?"

"Yes, it was."

"And you shot them all, I imagine he didn't take very well to that," I say, holding my breath.

Dangerous, dangerous grounds.

"My father's control over me started and finished in Russia. New York is mine he can't do shit about what I do while I'm here."

"Your brother moved here with you I imagine and your sister-"

"Is dead. Leave it there." Nikolai says sharply. I glance at him, that's his nerve.

His sister. Her name was Anya and she was older than him, she would have been turning thirty-five this year but she died under strange circumstances when she was twenty-three.

Nikolai had lost her when he was sixteen.

"I know what it's like to lose someone you love."

"I know you do, Ivy. But your mother and my sister cannot be compared it would be a disservice."

Stalker.

"To whom?"

"There is a limit to how well I will allow you to know me, Ivy."

"I hardly know you at all," I tell him, turning my gaze back to him. Though he doesn't look at me.

"Then ask me about my favourite fucking colour or my sharpest knife not about my dead relatives."

"I don't care about what your favourite colour is, Nikolai."

"Green." He replies and I sigh, rubbing my eyes.

Nikolai turns his head to look at me, his mouth opening like he's about to tell me something. And then his eyes widen and his body tenses up.

"What is it?"

"Sniper." He replies, and I pause.

"On me?"

"Yes."

"There's not one on you, is this you trying to kill me?"

"No, but someone from Shadowborn is." He mutters, clearly irritated.

I say nothing as I look at him, watching and waiting. I could care less at this point whether or not I live or die. I'm growing tired of always having to watch my back, of all this hate and anger. I want it to be finished, one way or another.

"Then why don't you let him kill me, isn't that what you've always wanted?"

"Believe me, Poison I want nothing more than you rid of this world, but no one else is going to be the one to do it. Do you understand me? I will be the one to finish you off, it will be my hand pulling the trigger no one else's. There is not a soul on this earth who gets to take you from me and I will destroy anyone who tries to."

It's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

He stands up and I stand with him and together we walk away, I don't know how they'll punish Nikolai for this. I can only promise myself to remember this moment next time my finger is hovering over the trigger of the gun I'll have pointed at him.