I am beyond sad, I wake up in the morning sad, I go to bed sad, I drive sad, I work sad, every waking moment is just SAD.
I text my friends and family as if I am okay, I hangout with people and act happy and excited, I post on social media like nothing in my life has changed...
I pretend I pretend I pretend
I guess I am a good actress.
Inside I am rotting, outside I appear to be thriving... like a hundred year old tree until it falls to the ground only then is it seen how empty and hollow it was on the inside even though it looked like it was standing strong moments prior.
Sometimes weeks go by before I respond to a message from a loved one... I say "oops sorry, I had the message typed out but forgot to press send" but in reality I was too sad to do anything other than scroll mindlessly on social media or sleep until too much time has passed and I reply to all 45 messages at once pretending like I just "forgot to press send" but it's deeper than that really.
The worst part is I don't even know what is wrong. I know I am sad but I don't know the cause.
I don't know what to do about it, all I know is that I want it to stop.
Some days when I want to feel happy I use shopping as therapy, chasing that the temporary dopamine hit off of hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise just so I can feel like a normal human for a moment.
I chase the things that I know make me happy without consideration of the consequences because I am tired of the sadness.
I chase men
I chase money
I chase merchandise
Of the 7 deadly sins 5 currently possess me and I don't know how to escape them. They have their grip on me and I feel strangled, my sadness allows them to envelop me.
Just clear your notifications and the problems disappear for a while
