He lifts me off my feet, careful not to touch my wrists, and sits me on the toilet, with the lid down. He looks at each cut and looks back up at me, a worried expression in his face. He looks back down to my wrists and, before I know what's happening, he kisses each and every one of them.
He smiles at me and tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. He leans in and places his soft lips on mine. He places his hands on my back and pulls me in to deepen the kiss. At first I feel my body tense, but I relax after a while. I feel the sparks and fireworks in my heart go off as excitement builds up in my body. This is the first kiss where I actually feel stirring inside my chest. Warm and curious. We both pull away from the perfect kiss, both smiling from ear to ear. I would like another kiss, but I don't get it. Well I do, but it's a light kiss on the tip of my nose.
***
"Do you want to go to a party tonight? All the other British YouTubers are going. Tyler's visiting the UK so he'll be going too. You can meet all of your old friends and it will be amazing!" I feel nervous as he says this, but I hide my emotions by smiling. I don't like clubs, they make me feel panicky and claustrophobic.
"I'd love to, thank you."
A few hours pass by and I'm ready to go to the party. My heart beat is going faster than normal because I'm really nervous.
I walk down to the bottom of the stairs, breath in a deep and satisfying breath and walk into the sitting room, where Joe is waiting for me.
"Everyone else has gone to Zoë and Alfie's house. I told them we'd meet them at the party," Joe says. "You look beautiful, by the way," he says stunned, with a big grin on his face.
***
Once we arrive at the party, I see a load of familiar faces appear in front of me.
"QUEEN L!" I hear a familiar voice shout from behind me, making me jump. It's a high, cute voice with an American accent.
"QUEEN T! How lovely to see you," I say as I wrap him into a hug. "How's America been then?"
"It's been good, but I haven't been there for about a month because I'm on tour, but I'll be going back there next week. This week is a week to spend with my friends," he explains, making me smile. He reminds me so much of my brother.
He died ten years ago, when I was only ten years old. That's when I developed mild depression and anxiety. We left our village because we couldn't cope with everyone giving us worried expressions. Everyone knew.
Then my grandad died. He was the biggest inspiration in my life. He told me to be strong no matter what. He taught me to be brave and ignore all the people that hate on me. That's when I developed very strong depression, suicidal. I started to cut and wear long sleeve tops.
Then I met Joe. He was supportive over everything that had happened to me. When I cut, he would hug me until I stopped crying and told me it would be okay. He was like a big brother to me.
I can feel tears prickling in my eyes and before I know it tears are rolling down my cheeks. Nobody can see because it's crowded here and it's dark.
"I'm going to go for some fresh air. It's a bit hot in here," I explain. I walk outside and let more tears spill out of my eyes.
As soon as I reach a patch of grass, I slide my back down the wall, resting my head on my knees. I start to feel nervous and agitated, like I need to run or scream or do something to librate the accumulated energy. I can hear my heart pounding in my head and my legs and hands begin shaking. My stomach disappears and is replaced by a black hole filled with an angry swarm of bees. I can feel the cold sweat forming on my hands and everything becomes blurry. Now I'm hyperventilating, followed by numbness in my extremities and my face. I feel as if I'm drowning in freezing cold water and I can't do anything about it. My lungs start to feel heavy and useless and the air can't reach my brain. I feel dizzy and unsettled and terrified. My body doesn't feel like it's mine anymore; I can't properly speak or breathe or see. I can't control what I'm feeling, like a broken toy that doesn't function correctly anymore. It gets to the point now where it's really bad, gasping for air, but it just makes it worse.
_____________________________________________________
Sad ending I know but this is what a panic attack feels like. 😔💗
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Don't forget to vote, comment and follow me. ☺️🌸
Have a lovely day. 🌱🌙
KISSES ^3^
Nia 🙈🌷
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Star of my life // Joe Sugg fanfic
FanficLili moves away from her family in West Wales to Brighton to live for the rest of her life. Her YouTube channel is gaining more and more viewers every second. She gets hate all the time, but Joe is there to hopefully be the star of her life. Will t...
