Saving Hope

Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Hope

I watch him drive away as my heart breaks in my chest. Caleb needed to see where I come from so he knows what he got himself into. As we drove closer and closer to my home, I watched as his face tightened, his jaw twitched and his grip on the steering wheel turned his knuckles white. It was selfish of me to give him my body when I know he can't have every piece of my soul.

Nathan needs my protection. I live and breathe for him and will never put anyone else in front of him, even myself. As I turn towards the building I know that Caleb will probably not come into the café for a while. He can't fix this for me, no one can. If I tell him about Nathan and my plan to eventually flee with him, he will be a part of a crime he should have no part in.

I make my way up to the apartment and hear laughter coming from inside Mrs. Sawyer's. Knocking on her door, I take a breath and put on my happy face. I never want Nathan to see my fear or feel like I'm unhappy because he's with me. When the door swings open Nathan jumps into my arms. He's sticky and talking all about church and the donuts at the picnic. For him, today was a good day.

After thanking Mrs. Sawyer, I take Nathan home. We spend the day playing games and watching cartoons. As the hours pass I can feel myself sliding closer to the edge of a dark cliff. By the time I tuck him into bed I can barely make it out of the room before I lose it. I cry for Nathan, I cry for Caleb, and I allow myself for the first time in a long time to cry for myself.

In the morning I take Nathan to school and get myself ready for my shift. I feel nauseous as I think about the large possibility that Caleb won't come in tonight. I pull my hair back and put on a little lip-gloss before making my way down to the bus stop. It feels like I'm walking in a fog as I travel the path I've traveled so many times. I can't even remember the trip, but I find myself outside the café a few minutes before my shift starts.

It's a brutal day at work thanks to my inability to remember anything or even pay attention. I watch as the clock ticks down and as each hour passes I lose more hope that he'll come in to see me. I can tell that Tammy knows something's up because we close in ten minutes and he isn't here. She's almost as bad as me, checking the clock every five minutes. We lock the door after the last customer and it's silent in the back as we take off our aprons and grab our belongings from the small lockers.

Tammy keeps trying to catch my eye but I can't do it. She's the closest thing to a friend I have and if I see her sympathy for me I'll completely lose it. I need to have my shit together when I make that walk to the bus and ride it home. Crying will only make me appear weak and I can't let my fellow bus riders and neighborhood menaces see me as weak. Finally, Tammy puts her hand on my shoulder and says, "He'll come back, Sweetheart." I just give her a tight smile and a nod.

I hear the front door lock behind her and take a minute to pull myself together. I tell myself it was just like before I met him. I can walk down to that bus stop and get myself home to Nathan just like I've been doing for years. I put on my sweater and throw my purse over my shoulder. Shutting off the lights inside the café as I leave, I lock the door and turn around to make my way home.

When I see him, my heart speeds up and then I feel it break beneath my ribs. I can't tell if I'm relieved or still in pain. Caleb/s parked at the curb, leaning against his car. I can tell he didn't sleep well last night. His eyes are ringed in black and his face looks worried. I slowly make my way over to him and when he pulls me into his arms I can't fight the tears any longer.

We stand in an embrace, with him slightly rocking me, kissing my temple and rubbing my back until I feel calm enough to look at him. I know I'm a mess, with tears streaking my tired face, but he still leans in to give me the softest kiss. He wipes the tears from my face and then opens the door to his car for me. I get in without question.

I watch him as he walks around and opens his door. As soon as the keys are in the ignition and the car is in drive, his hand surrounds mine and I feel at peace. We make our way towards my house in silence, stealing glances at each other when we can. I usually want the ride home to go fast, but tonight I'm thankful for every red light. I close my eyes and rest my head against the headrest, breathing in his scent as it surrounds me in this small space.

When we pull up to my place he cuts off the engine and I tense up not wanting to have the same argument as yesterday. Caleb takes his hand from mine and opens up the center console of his car. I watch as he takes out a brand new cell phone and hands it to me. "My number is saved in there. I want to know that you made it in ok and when you leave for work. I couldn't sleep at all last night, Hope. I need to know you're ok."

"Caleb, I have a phone." I reach into my purse and show him my small-prepaid phone.

"I know, I've seen you check it a million times while I eat my pie, but I don't trust it. I want something that I know will work if you try to call me or anyone else. I also want to be able to call you whenever I want without worrying that I'm taking your minutes." I nod my head and run my finger over the screen of the new phone. A picture of us pops up as my background and I remember the night we had taken it while waiting for my bus.

"Thank you, Caleb." I don't usually take charity but this could save me in an emergency and also allows me to give my prepaid phone to Nathan so he can call me. "I really appreciate this." I lean across the center of the car to kiss him and he pulls me over to sit in his lap.

His kiss is tender at first but then I can feel how relieved he is I didn't fight the phone. "Please let me help you Hope. I'll do whatever you will let me." His eyes are on mine as he pleads for my compliance.

"Just don't stop coming to see me. I was a few minutes from losing it when you showed up. I don't want to need you but I already do." I pull his face towards mine and kiss him with every bit of emotion I feel.

"Hope I just want you to love me enough to not hurt me." With that comment my heart shatters because I know that when Nathan and I leave it will hurt him for a little while, but bringing him into my plan will hurt his future forever.

With a shaky voice and every once of strength that I can muster I tell him the absolute truth even though to him it will mean something different, "Caleb, trust me when I tell you that's exactly what I'm trying to do."

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