Maroon

Azerbaijan

Charles

30/04

Shit.

I had been avoiding Max all weekend. Ashamed that I hadn't see him to congratulated him, scared shitless about our conversation with Leo and the one after that, I hid in my hotel room.

Even after spinning out, even after losing a race I wanted to win with all my heart, all I could fucking think about was him.

He occupied such a big part of my mind. Taking up all the space, all my thoughts, all my time. When I closed my eyes, all I saw were his fiery blue eyes, when I took air into my lungs, all I thought about was the way he helped me breathe. He was constantly there, in some way. Constantly with me. And that made me feel safe, but also so god-damn terrified. Because all I could fucking think about was him.

'Cause I didn't mean that, did I? And I have a feeling he didn't either. I have a feeling we need to talk. But damn I'm fucking scared...

But we weren't a couple. I wasn't lying. And I wasn't lying when I said he was my best friend.

But... Max. Maxie. Why am I drowning in this sea of questions and misunderstandings. Why is my own mind hiding things from me? It's not even my mind, it's my heart. The heart I vowed to always follow.

Maybe I should talk to Oscar...

I ended up finding the Aussi sitting on the side of the track, looking at his teammate that was cycling around with purpose. The sunlight hitting him exactly right to make him seem angelic as he watched.

Legs crossed and head tilted to the side, he observed with pride, as if he couldn't help but admire his dear friend.

And something hit me. Eyes wide and mouth open in shock I stared at Oscar.

Eyes glimmering and wide smile spread across his face, he was sparkling with a certain kind of glow I recognized all too well.

He was looking at Leo like Max looked at me. Like I looked at him.

Maybe I was shocked because I understood that there was another level to their relationship, or maybe because that meant there was another layer to my relationship with Max. A layer I had yet to explore. A layer I probably knew was there, but ignored because of how much it scared me.

I was scared.

Oh so scared of falling in love.

It felt so obtainable, yet so out of reach. So close, but so far away. I'm so scared of feeling that much, of never being enough. I'm just scared.

I looked at Oscar and his attention settled on me.

"Can I talk to you?" He nodded and listened carefully as I went on, unable to stop talking about the man who occupied such an enormous part of my mind. I talked for minutes that seemed like hours and seconds all at the same time. I talked until I couldn't, until my throat ached with raw emotions that threatened to escape.

I was going insane, I was freaking out.

Do I like Max?

How is that even possible?

I don't understand...

What if. Two words that can crush a world just as much as create it.

"What if I fall in love? What if Max is my person? What if I'm crazy? What if I die before I get to understand?"

"But what if it's meant to be?" I turned to find Oscar's eyes, a reassuring hand on my shoulder and a sympathetic smile on his lips.