Start From the Beginning

Chapter 3:

Chapter 3

Spencer Reid

Then:

After the door closed to Saylor Watts house, I tried to hide the weird emotion creeping up inside my gut. It was an emotion that I had never really felt before, something felt primal, instinctual. A feeling that I have profiled many of cases on and about but never once felt myself. It wasn't natural for me to have these specific and direct emotions. It felt so beyond foreign, I almost didn't know how to address it. How to understand it.

JJ starts to speak, snapping me out of the trance I was falling into.

"So, giving your personal out?" She asks, settling into the GMC SUV, turning the key in the ignition and the car firing to life.

'See look a car, simple, mechanical, predictable. Key on, power to the starter, engaging the starter gear. Starter cranks creating the sound we know as a car. This signal from the starter gear turns on the crankshaft, pistons move, fuel and air ignites, starting the combustion process. All predictable, nothing like what you are feeling.' My brain was in hyper drive, trying to understand and recreate logically the feelings I encountered with Saylor, but without her standing here. Simultaneously I am contemplating how to answer JJ, give her what she needs to know.

"In case we are in the field and Saylor needs to get ahold of someone, someone who knows the file inside and out without needing a computer or a physical file to help them, help her. I point to my brain, not directly connecting to JJ with y eyes, trying to focus more on the lane in which we were driving out of. I glanced back at the house and internally smirked. I slipped on my sunglasses when she sparked up more conversation. I peeled open the folder on the unsub, looking to find something between the lines.

"Do you think our unsub could potentially be Logan? Even after Saylor for that matter?" She questions me with both hands on the wheel of the car, carefully moving past the tall trees on either side of us.

"Her brother seems to think so." I say, thinking about that specific detail in depth.

"Yeah, I guess so. Does that make Logan the actual killer though? Because a brother is concerned about a relationship ending, and killings beginning?" She speaks but without needing an answer. Something felt right about this, something felt right about Logan. About Major and Taylor believing that their beautiful grey eyed, blonde haired sister could be in danger.

"It is possible, more than possible I believe. All of the murders so far match what Saylor looks like. She did say that they aren't together anymore which could be a stressor on him, and ignition point for all the anger he was feeling. Especially if he has relied on her for years since high school, to be the relief he felt and needed is now suddenly gone. He probably feels entirely alone in his mind." I showed compassion in a way I seldom do, but sometimes it helped us understand the unsub better if I could connect it.

"Yeah, I can imagine that feeling was overwhelming to him. Suddenly, even if he didn't utilize her lately, he felt loss, possibly igniting another emotion from previous points in his life. We need to find out more about his family." JJ kept up with my train of thought. Me humanizing him helped her see a different angle.

"What is the separation snapped him and he decided that those who reminded him of Saylor needed to go away, to be killed off? We have seen enough crimes made in passion from pain and hatred from sudden disturbances from our routine or from what our minds believe – this could be another version of that. In 2003 to 2014 there was a study conducted that concluded from 18 states that 55% of all murders can be tied back to an ex-lover, ex-boyfriend, when the victim is female. That murderers are almost 40% more likely to attack someone that reminds them of their ex or their feeling of pain, until they work up the courage to attack that person that initially hurt them, or to continue killing those like their stressor. Look at Lilah... I mean her unsub, Mags, was essentially an ex-lover from a hook-up, she was obsessed with Lilah until she found the courage to try to save Lilah from the world, even if that meant killing her. Different story line, but similar bones. We have seen this type of thing countless times." I continue from both our thoughts. Thinking about different angles to the case.

"I think I am realizing that this seems like an upset ex-boyfriend getting revenge. Making them pay, even though by doing this, it isn't affecting Saylor in the direct way he could be. It doesn't make sense to someone who is with it, but I can see that he wants to take them away from his mind, especially since he keeps looking for Saylor in all these other women." She counters me. Which is exactly where my head was going.

"I would agree with you JJ. The main thing that we need to be concerned about is where he could possibly be now. If he wasn't staking out Saylor, then what is his next move? That is what I want to figure out and soon." I remark.

JJ makes a turn onto a road where trees are overlapped enough to leave a damp feeling in the summery air,

"What if we almost need to wait. See what move he makes next? Saylor isn't out of the question, or safe yet. I fear that his near future moves will be closer and closer to her. The question on my mind though, if when and how." JJ mentions after a moment of silence in the car. I nod, but don't rebut. There was a feeling of panic inside me, swelling deeply and fast at the idea that Saylor wasn't safe.

'Why do you feel this way for a girl you met in a case? That is not you Spencer. That just isn't you. You cannot and will not get involved with a victim in your case. Come on.' I talk myself down mentally. Lilah kissed me that one time when I was supposed to be watching her – to the point where we missed the photographer outside and I missed Mags being in the house. I cannot allow my human nature and my hormones to distract me from our victim's safety. This was not a question but a realization.

Saylor was our client in a means of business, and I couldn't cross the line with business and pleasure, no matter how much my body wants to fight me. It cannot outsmart my brain.

"Spencer?" JJ speaks and I turn to look at her.

"Yes?" I reply quietly.

"Do you... uh do you think or feel something about the possible Vic?" She smiles over at me. The look in her eyes tells me she can read my mind, read the room she was in. Damn Profilers.

"Saylor?" I question, to confirm my suspicions.

"Mm-hmm"

"I don't know what you are talking about." I say, smirking and looking out the window. I knew in my gut that the only thing I really wanted right now was to see those perfect grey eyes again.

I tried to shake the feelings, telling myself that it was chemical. My brain, the tiny voice in there, told me that even though this isn't real, you cannot rebuttal science. And science was proven when you touched her hand. That was physical. It was not just a chemical and attraction reaction. It was science. Down to its core.

Our bodies, pheromones, instinct, countless instant byways created by our body to help us find a partner, a mate. I figured and still am trying to convince the voice in my brain that believes in science that my initial reaction to her and attraction to her was strictly hormonal, but we I touched her hand, a brief overlap of the fingers, that signal was not anything I had ever read about. Maybe I was thinking too far into this.

'Get a grip!' yelling at myself internally.

Although all of this was true, I couldn't help but feel as if I needed to hear from her. I needed to know and confirm she was safe.

We drove back to Quantico, the two-hour drive back, to our office to update everyone on our findings. I knew though that we wouldn't be able to make any movement until he moved again. There wasn't anything new to go on.

If we were all being honest, we did not even know for sure that Logan Stresh was our killer. Our serial killer. Murdering woman who all looked the same, in the same manner. He was smart enough to cover DNA and tracks that was making it incredibly hard to figure out who he was for sure. Taylor Watts could be on to something, by thinking that Saylor was the next or original victim, but until I have more, I cannot be sure.

That fear of the unknown was creeping up into my throat. I tried to swallow it down, but it stayed dormant in my chest. I just needed to get back – put Saylor behind me. Out of my mind.