with or without u | lil peep

pissed

i had just finished getting ready for school, i hadn't gone in a few days. this was the first night in a while that gus hadn't slept over. i sat on the edge of the bed, tapping my foot anxiously. i was ready but i wasn't ready. 

my mom still didn't know. she had been away and working a lot, she hadn't even properly met gus yet.  she really liked jack, so i didn't know how to tell her what had happened. i could only pray that jack and his friends all decided to ditch school today. 

nova 

gus i'm so anxious

idk if i can do this

maybe we should just stay apart today? so no one thinks anything?

gus

babe just relax, you have nothing to worry about 

we'll be fine

if you want i'll keep my distance for a few days

until i can let the boys down easy

nova

i think maybe that's a good idea

just for now

i'm sorry

gus

it's fine

don't apologize

"honey, are you ready to go?" my mom called up the stairs to me "coming mom" i responded. "you're feeling better sweetie?" my mom asked, "yeah i am thanks". i told her i was sick the last few days to get out of school.  

she pulled up in front of the school to drop me off. "have a good day, do you want me to pick you up today?" 

"no it's okay, i'll walk"

"are you sure?"

"yeah, thanks mom. see you later" 

i closed the car door and my mom drove away. i stood in front of the school's main entrance. i took a deep breath and headed in. i didn't want to be late, i didn't want any extra attention on me.

gus was right, no one knew, not even jack yet. but it felt like everyone's eyes were on me.  

i walked quietly, keeping my head down and went to my first period class. i quickly glanced to gus in the back row. i sat down, my phone buzzed in my pocket. 

gus 

u look pretty <3

i looked across the row, quickly smiling at him. 

class dragged by. at the end, we both got up and went our separate ways. 

"shit" i came to an abrupt stop, doing a 180 the other way. jack and bruno were at the end of the hall. he looked pretty upset, i'm sure he was spilling his guts to bruno about what happened. 

i'm sure all hell would break loose soon enough, gus and jack had been best friends since forever. 

-

i made it to lunch, which felt like an eternity later. gus pulled me aside in the hallway, "what are you doing?" i whispered "relax, we're just talking" he put his hand on my shoulder. 

"are you okay?" he asked, "yeah i'm fine" i lied. "have you seen jack?" i asked 

"yeah, not that long ago"

"is he mad?"

"pissed"

"when are you gonna tell him?"

"don't worry about it babe"

we spoke in a hushed tone.

"can i come over after school?" he asked, "yeah"

"meet me by my car after school, don't rush though". 

"why are you talking to her?", gus and i both jumped. instant panic set in when i realized it was jack walking up to us. 

"go" gus whispered through his teeth before jack got any closer. 

i got out of there quickly, but i waited around the corner in earshot of the boys. 

"why are you fucking talking to her?" jack didn't yell, but he spoke with incredible rage.

"bro relax, we were just talking. we were friends too" gus stayed calm. 

"gus, you're my best fucking friend why are you talking to the bitch that ruined my fucking life. i'd think our entire lifetime of friendship would be a little more important than the two months she's been around" 

"i'm sorry bro, it was just a conversation. i'm sorry for what happened but that was her choice" 

"what the fuck is your problem?" 

"nothing man" gus put his hands up in surrender 

gus scoffed, i heard footsteps go in each direction of the hallway. 

i expected it to be gus to come around the corner in my direction but it was jack, "what the hell nova, were you listening?" he asked

"no i was just uh, looking for something in my bag" i stuttered. "what the fuck is up with the two of you?" jack shook his head and walked away. 

-

the day ended, i didn't rush to go meet gus in fear jack would see us again. it was fifteen minutes after the bell, so i went out to the parking lot. gus sat on the edge of the hood of his car, cigarette in his mouth. 

"you know i hate when you do this, those things are gonna kill you" i scolded him. 

"no one lives forever" he debated. although he gave in, throwing it on the pavement and stomping it out. 

"let's get back to my place" i told him, getting in the car. i just wanted to get the hell out of here. 

"today sucked" i exhaled loudly, "yeah" he nodded. "you're sure you still got this?" i asked, it was the first face to face encounter either of us have had with jack since. 

"without a doubt" the way he spoke in false confidence did not help. 

"i'll tell him tomorrow but i need you to be there" he told me, "no. no fuck no i can't" i panicked. 

"not like right there with me, just after, can you do that?" he asked, "yeah i can do that"