Wasuremono

I Lost You

I'm going to tell you the truth, Matthew: I never wanted to be in a relationship with you.

Because relationships ended either in marriage or in a break up, and we were/are way too young to get married.

And I didn't want to be in a relationship because I liked you as a friend. I loved you as a friend. I loved you. I still do. And I didn't want to lose you.

I've seen solid couples break up, and they couldn't even look in the general direction of each other for months. I've seen them act like strangers around each other when only a few week ago, they couldn't stop staring at each other. I've seen them grow bitter or sad or both, and I've seen them look like they've lost a part of themselves.

I couldn't have that, Matthew. I wanted to be with you forever. You distracted me when my parents fought. You listened to me when I ranted about anything and everything under the sun. You trusted me with your secrets, and I trusted you with mine.

I did not want to lose you.

But here we are, two feet apart, and you can't even look at me.

This probably hurts more than our break up itself. God, Matthew! It's like you don't even know me.

It's like we never stayed up late whispering to each other through the phone when we were tired but couldn't fall asleep. It's like we never voiced out our opinions on current events over shared sandwich slices after school in your car. It's like we never shared our lives together since first grade.

This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, Matthew. And that's why I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you.

I wanted to keep you forever, Matt, even if that word didn't mean anything to me. I wanted to be your best friend until I could barely walk and talk and remember anything.

I wanted to keep loving you the way that I had always loved you.

But putting a label to whatever it was that we had... it wasn't good for us.

We expected too much of each other. We expected too little of each other.
We knew what we were doing but we also had no fucking clue. Because it took so much effort to make our relationship work and it tired us out. We meshed so well back when we didn't even think about the dynamics of our relationship.

And now you don't even talk to me, Matthew. You don't even look at me.

I miss you so much.

I lost you, Matthew.

I wanted to keep you.

But I lost you.