Unhappily Ever Yours

1.

This is it...this is the end. On my epitaph they should write "Austin Owens: 0 - Vending Machine: 1". God, this is so embarrassing. I think I actually might die. They say your whole life flashes before you right before you die, but I've been laying here with this deadly machine crushing my body for about ten minutes and nothing. No happy childhood memories, no embarrassing playbacks of my worst moments. Maybe I'll make it out-

-

"Damn." Suddenly I'm in fresh sweats and my Spider-man t-shirt that I was wearing when I died. I really would've dressed better if I knew I was going to die today. Whatever, Spider-man rocks.

I've been wandering for a while and no one has greeted me or told me where the hell I am. Oh, maybe I'm in Hell? God, I hope not.

"You sure say His name a lot for someone who identified as being an athiest your whole life."

Startled, I spin around to put a face to the voice that called out. In front of me, now, stands a shorter woman, probably only 5'5", and she looks mean. "Um, can I do something for you? If not, please leave me alone, I'm trying to find someone to tell me where I am and why I'm here instead of living happily ever after with my afterlife soulmate."

A clipboard and pen suddenly appear in front her and she mumbles under her breath as she writes. "Okay, one, where did that come from? And two, what did you just write about me?"

The woman rolls her eyes and replies, "nothing important. Just some personal notes about the type of guy you are: rude, nosey, misogynistic. Just that stuff."

My eyes widen, "misogynistic?! Me?! How did you get that from anything I've said in the past two minutes?" I walk closer to her to try to read the clipboard to see if she's bluffing. When I'm close enough to just peek, it vanishes into thin air. "Seriously?"

"Since you're so polite and have asked me what you're doing here, and more importantly, who I am, I will tell you. My name is Eden, and unfortunately, I am your guide here in the afterlife and I am here for all of your questions, concerns, and most unfortunately, your requests and desires."

Eden pauses for a moment, giving me a weird look that might say "not those desires". "I'm gay, no thanks," I say, smirking. "Congrats. Anyways," she brushes off my calculated remark and begins walking ahead of me as she continues the rest of her speech, "you are somehow in Heaven and you are here because, despite being an ass from the moment you got here, you were actually a decent person down on Earth."

"I tried my best. Wouldn't want to be stuck in Hell with my ex. God, that would suck."

Eden abruptly stops in front of me and turns around. She flicks me in the forehead and resumes our walk. "Um, ow? What was that for?" I ask, rubbing the sore spot on my head. "Stop saying His name that way. God IS real, you know. And I don't even know why you were allowed to come here if you don't even believe in Him."

"Sorry."

It's quiet for the rest of the duration of our walk. Without my noticing, the space around me transformed from a white void to a busy, bustling town-like area with many buildings and a LOT of dead people. We walk towards a building that says "SORTING" across the top. I laugh quietly.

"What's funny?" Eden asks, continuing towards the door. "Nothing, it's nothing," I answer. "It's obviously something, otherwise you wouldn't have laughed," she insists. "Fine, it just sounds like I'm going to be sorted into my own Hogwarts House. I thought it was funny."

"Ha."

I roll my eyes and walk ahead to open the door for us and Eden walks in.

She points to a chair along the south wall of the room and says, "sit."

-

"Austin Owens, please come to the fifth desk. Austin Owens, fifth desk please."

Intercom. Fancy. Didn't think they'd have that in Heaven.

I make my way to the desk through a sea of people and angels. Wow this is so insane. Actual angels. Some of them actually have wings. Not as biblically accurate as I thought they would be. Once I'm at the desk, I take a seat in front of the angel reviewing my case.

"Austin, you died today at 7:01 PM. Seems a death by...vending machine." They snicker lowly then continue the review. "You were 29 years old and lived alone in Seattle, Washington. Your parents found out about your death at 8:27 PM. Your brother, Steven, laughed hysterically until he started crying. Your sister, Lilly, is still in disbelief." The angel pauses momentarily, allowing me to take in the abundant load of information.

I sit there quietly. All I can think about is Lilly. She's only 13 and our parents aren't exactly 'ideal' parents. She loved me for who I was, even when mom and dad couldn't really grasp the idea of a man loving another man. And Stevie. What a dick for laughing. But honestly, I would've laughed too. I'll miss them.

The angel hands me a tissue to dry the tears on my face that I hadn't even realized were falling down in a stream. "May I continue?" they ask.

I nod and take a deep breath.

"Here in Heaven, as cheesy as it is, soulmates do, in fact, exist. Once we're done here, you will walk through the door over there," they gesture to a door labeled 'ENTER' across the room, "and from there, you will immediately be where you need to be. Your soulmate will meet you there and you two can begin your eternity together! So, let's quickly finish up so you can get to that. Sound good?"

"Absolutely!"

We continue going through hundreds of questions and rules and regulations for what feels like another three hours. The angel reminds me of expectations and at the very end of their schpeel, they let me know that if there is ever anything that I don't like in my afterlife, all I have to do is ask to change it and they will.

"Alrighty then, I think you're good to go Austin Owens. Eden will meet you over at the door!" They wave me off and I leave my seat at desk five to find Eden. Through the sea of people and angels, I see kids way younger than me, and also elders who have definitely lived a long life. I excuse myself as I pass through the rows until I get to Eden.

"You ready?" She asks.

"As I'll ever be."

"Just walk through then."

-

Through the door, my eternity appears before me and I'm in front of my dream home. Just a small place. And a garden where my favorite fruits and flowers are already growing. As I take it all in, I begin walking towards the door. I debate on knocking once I get to it. Because, you know, my soulmate could be in there. Naked. Or maybe they need privacy.

Just as I go to knock, the door opens.

"Austin!"

"Jonesie?"

You've got to be joking.