My hearts a wreck

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by Edasgf

by Edasgf

THIS IS KINDA CRINGEY BUT JUST READ IT IG
TW: self harm, eating disorders, etc
If you have any suggestions add me on snap💕
Jahnniereeder
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JOHNNIES POV :)
I was in the house alone again. Jake was out with Tara, Sam, Colby, and some others. I was stuck with my own thoughts. I hated it. I got up to go inside my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was disappointed. I hated my face. I started getting mad. Mad at myself for relapsing. I had been doing so good. Eating normally, clean. But now, I don't even know what happened. I completely fell of track. I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I can't look myself in the face. With basically all my strength, my fist connected with the mirror. It shattered right where ny face had been.

I couldn't look myself in the face. It hurt too much. I hate my face, and my face hates me. I got the sharp razor blade from my cabinet. My wrists ached. They were so sore. I dragged it through my skin. It was a sign that, I was still alive. I can still feel. I just wanted to feel something. I let it run down my arm. I let the blood drip onto the bathroom counter. I cut deep. More blood came out than normal. I just needed to feel something.

Everyone says the anti depressants work. They don't. They make me wanna die. They're crippling. I don't feel anything. I took the bottle and opened it. I thought for a second that, if I take them all, that it would all be over. Finally.

I wanted to have someone to talk to. Jake was gone, and he would be pissed at me if I call him from his night out. I dragged another deep cut through my skin with the razor blade. I sharply inhaled, feeling the sting. My wrists were bright red, and bleeding.

I washed the blood off, biting my lip as it stung. I went downstairs to find something to distract myself. I looked in the fridge, knowing i wouldn't eat anything. All I wanted was to feel better. 14 year old me would be so disappointed. Im still doing the same shit. I bet it gets old. Having to deal with someone like me, I mean. My phone buzzing beside me brought me out of my thoughts. It was Jake calling me.

I cleared my throat and tried to sound better. "Hello?" I asked, my breathing rising a bit. What if he comes home? What if he finds out?

"Hey man, can you unlock the door? I left my keys at like Tara's house or something." I heard him say through the phone. My world was spinning, and it wasn't even that big of a deal.

"sure. hold on." I said, rushing upstairs. I found the first long sleeve tee I had, and just put it on. The feeling of the fabric brushing up against the unhealed wounds sent a harsh shiver up my spine. I walked downstairs, my thighs aching a bit. I unlocked and opened the door. And there Jake was. What if he knew? I bet he wouldn't even wanna be friends with me. Who would? He just feels bad. Nobody likes me.

Jake handed me a wingstop box. "I got you your favorite food, weens." Jake teases, slapping me in the shoulder playfully.

"Oh thanks. I'll eat them later, I'm not hungry." I muttered out blankly, giving a slight smile. Jakes smiled disappeared. He probably hates me so much.

"When did you get up today?" Jake asked. I can only assume he's worried about me, but why would he be? I'm just in a rough spot right now. It's not even that bad.

"I don't know, like 6, 6:30 (pm)" I said shrugging. Every day was an ongoing cycle. Just staying up all night, sleeping all day, I'm just so useless. Even when Im up, I'm just laying in my bed. I'm just so tired. All I want is to sleep.

Jake snapped his fingers in front of my face, bringing me out of my train of thought. "I'm worried about you, Johnnie. Are you okay?"

I stayed silent. Why does he always have to say 'are you okay?' Those words fuck me up so bad. I bit my lips, and nodded, not even looking at him. "Yeah," I paused for a moment. "Yeah I'm doing fine." I was just flat out lying.

"Why are all the lights off? Can you even see shit? It's like 7 (pm) dude." Jake questioned, turning on the light.
He walked to the kitchen and turned the lights on. He placed the wingstop box on the counter.

"I uh I don't know." I said, shrugging. "I'm just gonna um, go upstairs." I continued, nodding a bit.

Jake took my wrist. I winced a bit, which probably gave it away. Jake was confused for a moment, before pulling me toward him. "Johnnie." Jake said in a sympathetic voice. I saw the sadness in his eyes. It was all my fault.

He pulled up my sleeve slowly. I was already crying. Bawling, even.

"Johnnie." Jake repeated once more.

JAKES POV

Why didn't Johnnie talk to me? If he had just told me none of this would be happening right now. I wanna cry. I wanna bawl. I feel so bad for him. I just want him to get better. I hold in my tears. I have to be strong for him.

I wrap my arms around his hips and bring him towards me, for a hug. He put his hands around my shoulders. I could feel my shoulders get wet because of his tears. I rubbed his back. "It's okay man." I said slowly.

I sat him down on the counter and took off his shirt. I grabbed the peroxide and poured it on his wounds. "It's okay man, it'll only hurt for a second." Johnnie hugged me, waiting for it to stop singing I assume.

After he let go, I placed bandaids on his wounds carefully. I took his hand and kissed some of his healed scars as well. "Okay, take off your pants." I instructed, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) rubbing his back a bit. After a couple seconds, he finally got them off. He was only in boxers. I poured peroxide on his wounds, rubbing his back slowly. I put bandaids on every one.

Johnnie put his clothes back on, and just hugged against me wherever I went. I walked into my room, and closed the door behind us. I sat him down on my bed and gave him a weighted blanket. "Talk to me man." I said, siting next to him.

"I'm not worth it. The pills don't work. I'm trying Jake, I am." Johnnie said, crying a bit. I pulled him into my lap and just held him as he talked. I rubbed his back as well.

Sorry gang this was kinda anticlimactic and cringey but lmk if you want more angst/ fluff add me on snap for recommendations @jahnniereeder

Wc: 1187