Hatchetfield Oneshots from my Ao3

baking show crackfic (kill me)

The group of bakers walked into the kitchen, gathering in the center of the room, waiting for whatever awaited them.

Suddenly, a man wearing all green and who looks like some embodiment of an Eldritch god appears and begins talking.

"Hello fwendy wends! Welcome to Hatchetfield's finest: baking show!" He said with lack of enthusiasm despite using an exclamation point.

"Your challenge for today is to make a cake. Now fuck off (and go bake!)"

The timer started and the several bakers rushed around gathering ingredients. Several cameras followed them around because yes.

"And what inspired you to bake?" The god asked in some random voice that supposedly appeals to television watchers.

"Uh, my girlfriend wouldn't join unless I did. So..."

"And what's your name?"

"Paul," he answered blankly.

"And what are you baking today, pally-wal?"

"...Box cake?"

The camera cut to the next baker.

"What inspired you to bake?"

"Well, I- I like baking."

"And what are you going to do if you win the 25 thousand dollars?"

"Start a pot farm. With Paul. Maybe. If he didn't want to then I'd just adopt a dog and go on my own."

And then another camera cut to the next baker.

"What are you making?"

"Uhh just like, a vanilla cake with vanilla buttercream. I'ma draw a cat on it."

"Ew," the green guy said before cutting the camera to the next baker.

"If you win, what are you gonna use the money for?" The green man said in the same uwu-ified voice.

"I would give the money to my daughter," the man sniffled, already crying. "Her mom loves to bake and I want to show her that I can be better than her mother..."

"Sob story. Next!"

The camera went to the final baker.

"And what's your name?"

"Ted," he said, poorly whisking eggs.

"And what are you baking?"

"A cake in the shape of a dick," he said without lifting his head up.

In the end, the five lords in Black assembled. Webby didn't want to be there.

Nibbly was the only one who was going to taste the cakes, and the others would judge based on appearance.

Paul brought his cake up first.

Nibbly spit it out as soon as he took a bite.

Emma brought her cake second.

Nibbly also spit this one out.

Actually, Nibbly just spit out everyone's cakes. They all fucking suck at baking.

The fucking end. (Paul lost this episode, come back next time to watch the final 4 in the semifinals!)