What would actually happen when someone doesn't have any will to live ?
I think it's my case.
I mean I don't feel anything by being alive.
it's like I'm a living corpse, but I can't do anything.
I don't enjoy being alive, but I can't die.
There's two reasons why I'm still alive. The first one is because I have a little brother, he might be a pain in the ass sometimes but I literally raised him, and even if he doesn't need me anymore, I'll feel bad for letting him alone to deal with our parents. And the second reason is my older sister. I don't want her to feel guilty because she left me with my brother to live with our parents.
My parents aren't bad people but sometimes I feel like they aren't able to give affectation which my sister and brother craved for.
Recently, for my study I left my brother alone, and I'm felling so much guilt, because I don't want to be pretentious, but I was the core of the family. Few months after I left my brother told me that my parents and him didn't eat together anymore, they didn't talk anymore like it used to be when I was still around. Then after some time an argument occurred which resulted in the fact that my father decided to moved halfway around the world. A big and long dispute between my parents occurred and my brother was in the middle.
My mother even told that she didn't want to live with my brother alone. So now, my brother is forced to move and live with my father. It will be more complicated to see them.
And somehow I think I was the reason why my father decided to move. He took his decision after a big argument with my mother after she decided to ghost me because I went to my aunt, my father's sister, without telling her to celebrate the birthday of my little cousin. After she decided to cut me off, my father told her off. The argument occurred and my father who had enough decided to move in order to get some fresh air, and the proposition came.
But anyway, this is just the surface.
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Personal Trauma
No FicciónThis is the story telling of someone who doesn't want to live and tell her story behind the reason why living sucks. This was supposed to stay a draft, but I don't know what possessed me but I decided to post it anyways.
