Writing Dump, Vent, Angst

Mask

Tw!!: Mentions of SH, bad body image, self hate, violence (if I need to put more warnings please let me know!!)

I've always hated how my face looked. The way my nose looked a little to wide, the way my sleepy eyes and how my resting face seemed so awfully upset.. In my eyes, no matter what my "friends" said I was the ugliest of all.. morbid. My whole body was so.. disgusting. I could never stand seeing it. My limbs just felt weird. It was so.. ugly. So horrifying. My hatred grew for my body to such a far extent I'm not sure if I could still call it just being insecure.. covering all my mirrors so I could never see myself or never taking pictures was just natural. For my body was as wretched as the beast compared to all the beauty's. "Skinny" or "Ideal" is how some others would describe my body. I should "be grateful" for how my body looks they say.. if I so much as had uttered a word of how I disliked my body.. but I just hated everything about my being. It's so gross. The mirror I could never escape is the one in my restroom. Seeing my nude body.. my revolting arms and legs.. my stomach.. my neck, head.. hands.. feet.. everything from my head to feet was just purely disgusting. Seeing myself was just the worst thing in the world. I always hated that stupid constant reminder. 'That's how you look.' It made me feel so.. angry. So frustrated that I looked like that. I wanted to mask myself. So I did. I wore a mask all the time, wore dark baggy clothes, covered my matted hair with a hood.. made sure it was rare to see my repulsive body. But to a point. It was never enough. Never enough because I knew what was truly under there. What was truly under the mask. Wherever I went, however I dressed.. whatever new mask I put on.. I would always be the same underneath. I would always be the ugly beast. Eventually I couldn't handle it.. The constant thoughts and wants to harm myself as a punishment for being so.. unbearable. I wanted to slit myself, rip out my small intestines then large intestines and all the organs near and in my abdomen area, tear myself limb from limb and get beheaded for I was so grotesque it was nauseating. Masked. Eventually that's all I became. Masked. My hatred towards my body went so far into my head and grew so big the hate went farther than just body alone.. soon I started to hate the way my voice was either so loud or too quiet and how I couldn't control it, the way I got agitated and hated everything so easily, my whole personality my whole being was so horrid. To a point where my looks, my body was not the only thing I covered up. Then it became my whole personality.. becoming a completely different person, trying so hard to stop hating everyone so deeply. Finally I just couldn't stand it as a whole and never talked. I grew distanced. Distanced from "friends," distanced from my family. What and who was so close never felt farther. Masked. Now that's all I am. Putting so much effort into that act. I'm a shell of pure hate and emptiness. I don't know myself. For I have mixed up "me" and my act so deeply.. all I can truly say I am is.. Masked.