ΩMEGA

Chapter Thirty-Eight

I changed Marquise's eye color to blue

Bridger

My dad didn't enjoy being a father – or maybe he just hated being one alone. I can't imagine how he'd be if my mother were alive during my rearing, but when I was a kid, I imagined he'd be way better; I imagined he'd be more loving and forgiving. As a kid, I blamed myself not only for my mother's death but also because my father hardly seemed like he enjoyed my presence. And it was only me, he loved being around his alpha and Arron. He really liked Arron.

I'm not saying woe is me, because we had good days; times when he made me feel tolerable. I also know no parent who truly wanted their child would make their child feel like a waste of space. Ever. My father always made me feel like a waste of space even on our good days. I felt sad to see other kids with loving fathers and mothers and was jealous of the ones who didn't have a father at all.

One day, my father looked at me and told me he wished I died in my mother's place. I just stood there while he cried about his deceased mate and pointed a finger at me for killing her. He repeated over and over again that he would trade me for her if given the chance. When I was alone, I cried about a father I didn't have and a mother I never met. But who was to blame? She died giving birth, she would be alive had she not. I grew to be really bitter towards my father from that day on. Any animosity I had towards him before was only amplified tenfold.

I trained as a beta not only because my father wanted me to, but because I wanted my father to finally be happy with me. I was never enough in his eyes, not even as a beta-in-training. Soon, I realized that every time he looked at me, he'd see his mate who I killed, but I realized that too late, and then, I couldn't imagine ever telling him that I wasn't going to take his place.

My father was mourning and he never allowed me to mourn.

What if my mourning ends up being like his the moment my pup is born? What if I fuck up my pup?

I've always wanted pups, but I was always too scared to think too far ahead in my future. I didn't have a positive father figure to look up to and I never had a mother. How could I possibly be a good father? Not to mention, finding out that I wasn't destined to have a mate kind of quenched my want for a family for a little while. I loved playing with the pups in my pack - old pack - but I just couldn't see myself successfully filling the shoes of a father.

Which makes today's news all the more scary for me.

I can forgive Kian for not telling me until now. I can get over the hurt he caused me. But can I forgive myself enough to raise a pup?

When faced with adversity, I am not the type to panic. Confidence can't be taught, but it can be faked until it's mastered. And I like to think that through my years of constantly faking confidence that I have mastered what it takes to be or appear confident. That being said, no amount of confidence can shake the hysteria I feel like I'm about to succumb to just by thinking about being a father. Perhaps the hysteria is also coming from breaking my ties with Arron and the idea of being a dad in a short period of time is just adding to it.

Don't get me wrong, Kian being pregnant is not a bad thing. In fact, it's an amazing thing. Despite everything that Kian has gone through, I know that he will be an amazing father. Not because he's an omega and the belief is that all omegas are natural parents. Hell, he hid the pregnancy from me as an attempt to protect himself and our pup. It hurts, but shows me he's willing to do whatever it takes to protect. Kian also has a pure heart and soul, and he's headstrong. Yes, he's anxious and severally over-thinks things, but I have seen nothing but growth and determination from Kian since I first met him. He will do an amazing job.