Colored Purple

Feel

Fantasias POV

[6:16 am] 

I feel so over joyed. Here I am in the midst of so much talent and grace, I have Taraji P Henson to my right and Colman Domingo to my left, I mean c'mon.  Today we're filming what will be the final scene in the film. Gathered  together, standing around a big oak tree, in the middle of a plantation. You can almost feel the longing of freedom, and hear the bellyful cry of our ancestors. So, so, heavy.  I bring myself back to reality, just in time to hear Blitz give orders for the next scene.

Blitz B: Okay ladies, you'll just embrace one another for a moment, fantasia you'll pull back, and cameras will center on you, for your cry. 

Cry. That's all I have to do, just cry, and then pull it together."Okay got it", both Ciara and I respond.  We reshoot twice, before Blitz pulls me to the side. "Okay Fantasia, You're doing good, you're doing really good, But I need something more. I need you to pull something from somewhere and not just "act out", he says with finger quotations, but feel those emotions". "Feel relived,  feel angry, feel joy, feel God, feel him moving you, do you understand ?" He ask genuinely. "Yes, I think so. Feel. I got you!". "Great. Alright, go ahead and take ten, and we'll pick back up at the hug" , he says to everyone. He returns his attention to me and says"you got it, I know you do." gently rubbing the top of my arm, providing much needed comfort and assurance. "Thank you Blitz." 

I walk away, trying to take advantage of my entire  ten. I stand off to the side and close my eyes. I take a deep breath, before taking another, and then another. While trying my best to simply focusing on my breathing, I began thinking back to what Blitz said to me. "Feel anger" "Feel joy" "feel God", what does that even mean? For this money imma figure it out.  I slowly come out of my moment, and open my eyes. I look up, immediately locking eyes with Taraji. It actually started me a bit. She must have noticed because she smirked a bit, before giving me worried eyes. I simply nod assuring her I was okay. She nodded back with a gentle smile, and looked away.  I walk back to my spot,  joining the rest of my cast-mates. I don't utter a word, as I understand the need to sit In these emotions."From where we last left off, camera A set. Quiet on set, and. Action"

I reach my hands out and grab my children, I embrace them both, taking them in. I think to myself "feel, feel, Tasia just feel." Truth is I haven't felt much of anything for a while, I've felt numb, or maybe just content as these last months have drained me, an-. "What the fuck?" My stomach suddenly drops, it begins to churn, and my mouth begins to water. I inhale deep and place my tongue at the top of my mouth. My throat begins to burn and my eyes start to swell. I press my lips together and close my eyes tight as one last punch in the fight that I ultimately lose. Before I can stop it, my chest caves and I... feel. I feel the salty waterworks spill down my cheeks before reaching my chin and ending at my neck. I feel the heaving of my chest as my breath tries to keep up with my cries. I feel my knees beginning to weaken from the weight of my heaviness. I feel eyes. Sharp, direct eyes coming from everywhere, fixated on me, but I couldn't stop. I stretch my arms out, trying to quickly  find something to catch me, to ground me, and just before I feel like i'm about to fall, someone does, and somehow I knew exactly who it was. 

 Between the invasion of my tears and the mascara that once coated my lashes, my eyes were swollen and burning. I couldn't see them, I truly couldn't even hear them, but with my sight and my hearing departing me, my sense of smell became heightened, and It was sharp. It was a warm smell of patchouli with a strong scent of vanilla behind it, and I knew that smell, COCO MADEMOISELLE, and I knew exactly who it belonged to. Taraji. 

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So maybe I'm a liar 🤭, instead of every Wednesday im just gonna upload them as I finish them, bc, why not !?

If you're reading Hi baby, muah 💋

Thanks so so much!!