Tyler & Jonas

10 - TYLER

He could taste the salt on his lips and feel his heart buzzing in his ears. The silence was deafening. He felt like he was drowning in the silence. Silence that kept reminding him that he was alone. Alone in the world. No one could understand me. But how could they, when he didn't even understand himself? He was too different to be understood. Too different to accept. Too different to suffice, too broken not to self-destruct. No one could help him. No one could comfort him. Those waves of despair had struck him again. And he was paying a high price for it.

Those waves were so dark, so gloomy, and so murky. It isolated him from the rest of the world and from the rest of the people. He felt like he was in the middle of an island with no one to talk to and no one to rescue him. He had once again ended up on an island in the middle of nowhere. His SOS were inaudible. No one could save him from this island and these waves, which were becoming more and more violent. Waves of despair dotted of salt on his face. Every drop of salt that smelt on his tongue was evidence of his weakness. Of what he really was. Broken.

This feeling of loneliness was expanding in his chest as if to suffocate or drown him. He swore heard the sound of waves and seagulls in the distance, but he knew he couldn't trust himself. Trust his fucked-up brain.

When he closed his eyes, all he could see was blue. At that moment, he wanted to escape from his body and no longer be him. To be able to exchange bodies with someone whole. Sometimes he would like to leave and never come back. Maybe on the other side was a beautiful island with beautiful beaches. Sometimes he would like to kiss her. The death.

He wasn't suicidal, or maybe he was, but the worst was yet to come. He wanted to feel nothing by mutilating himself alive with sharper objects, this despair and this loneliness were so heavy to bear that they sometimes prevented him from breathing. But guilt flooded him immediately as he thought of tearing apart parts of himself so selfishly. He wasn't selfish enough to put them through that.

Scratching until you bleed will do. It will come off easily, and it won't leave any ugly scars. However, he knew that his mind was still ugly. It was like millions of butterflies flew over his head. His thoughts were incoherent, he was aware of it, but he couldn't stop. His head and his body no longer responded to him.

His body must have sensed that something was wrong, his heart was pounding, as if he were already bracing himself for adrenaline and some danger to face. But the only danger was himself. He was his only danger.

There was no enemy in front of him, there was no one except the reflection of himself. He was his own enemy. There was no hero, either. Waiting for someone to deliver him from this long torture was useless. He had to be his own hero. But he feared he wasn't strong enough for that, because how could he be both his own enemy and his own hero? How could he be his own hero when he was his own enemy? How do you fight your spirit? How could you fight your sick brain? Should he fight himself? He already knew that his fight was lost in advance. He couldn't win against his mind, he couldn't win against his diseased brain.

He was so weak that his sobs escaped. They betrayed his apathetic body. He felt like he felt nothing and everything at the same time. It was confusing.

His aunt used to tell him that these waves engulfed him because he was not religious enough. So he prayed, he prayed every night, he prayed every day, he prayed every month. He prayed with tears, he prayed with a smile, he prayed on his knees, and he prayed in anger. But there was no response. As if he wasn't worth it. But maybe it was true. Maybe he wasn't worth it. Or maybe God didn't exist. He knew this last thought would horrify his aunt, at this thought a broken laugh escaped regardless of him from his traitorous mouth.

He couldn't stop laughing, but the more he laughed, the more tears surfaced. He went from one mood to another. Emotions were so complicated. So changing. His emotions changed like day and night. Each emotion was swallowed up in the waves to let another one appear. He went from tears to laughter. But her laughter did not change his tears, which continued to flow.