The person you made me

6. Best dream, worst nightmare

Will didn't come back until it was bedtime.

I was in bed, waiting for him, my heart pounding. I was angry with him. At the same time, I was longing for him so much, it hurt.

Finally, he came, alone, which provided me at least some degree of relief. I knew it was selfish of me.

He looked around as if looking for another bed. Then, he went to ours. Instead of moving closer like I usually did, I scoffed to the side. He lay down with his back to me, not saying anything.

"Want to go out?" I asked, our code sentence for fucking.

He turned to look at me. He looked at me for a long, long time. I felt my heart was pounding; I was so nervous what his answer would be. Then, without a word, he stood up and went out the back door.

I followed. I knew nobody would bat an eye; friends going to the primitive bathroom together was common. But we didn't stop there, did we? I followed Will out. It was raining. We had never fucked in rain before, and this wasn't a light sprinkle but one of those storms that drained you as soon as it touched you.

"Will!" I screamed but my scream was drained out by the rain hammering on the roofs.

I came to our alley but didn't see him.

"Got you!" he screamed and jumped out from a hiding place in a doorway, and I screamed and laughed as he lifted me up, spun me around.

"Careful!" I warned.

But no use; we fell to the ground, him above me, looking down on me and it suddenly dawned on me that this wasn't a love born out of convenience; it was real, it was a love that would have bloomed even if we had met under different circumstances, under good circumstances.

"I am going to survive", he said and I had never heard his voice so dark. "I am going to survive this. And you are going to survive this. And I will follow you and let you show me that house and that brother of yours. And maybe..." he took a strand of my dirty hair that had fallen out of its braid. "Maybe, we can build a life together."

I braided my fingers behind his neck.

"I would like that", I said truthfully.

We kissed. Without releasing that kiss, he pulled my trousers down and I realised that for the first time, he would top me.

I used to stretch him with my dick, but he used his fingers, first one, then the other. He kept his face close to mine, whispering into my ear, kissing me.

"You filthy fucking Jew." A kiss. "Mine. All mine." Another kiss into which I couldn't help but moan. "Shut up", he said. "You're going to do as I say, are you not?" I nodded. "Good. So stand up on all four."

"But how will I see you?" I complained.

He kissed me.

"Don't worry, love. I'll never let you go."

He didn't. As he did me from behind he pulled my hair, forcing me to look to the side so I could see him take me, see him thrust behind me, see him get pleasure from my body, see him convulse as he came. We both lay down, exhausted due to lovemaking and starvation. Even so, we were smiling into one another's eyes.

For the first time in months, I felt a hope for the future that went beyond mere survival.

A few weeks later, the best and worst thing that had happened to me in Auschwitz so far occurred.