The person you made me

11. The subject and the control

It wasn't Will's death that made me finally lose it.

It was the fact that they turned him into food.

"It might not be true", Madara said to me that night, snuggling closer than ever as if trying to compensate for the lost body that was Will keeping us warm at night. "He might have just said so to scare you."

We didn't talk about whether or not Madara had managed to get a bite down that evening or not, but despite his words, I couldn't help but notice that he, like me, no longer ate anything but bread. It said so much about how badly it affected us. Starvation was a powerful force, rendering people crazy, able to eat things they hadn't been able to even consider as food such as wood or glue. But we were still able to refuse even porridge. It didn't matter whether what Mengele had said they had done to Will's body was true or not. The risk that it was, was enough. 

I became a hollow body. A soul-less vessel that wouldn't even react when Tobirama cried of worry of my refusal of any food. After having stopped losing weight when I was just skin and bone, I started losing again. I fainted at work several times. I wasn't shot and I suspected it was because Tobirama had ordered them not to. More and more often, I wished he hadn't. 

Then one day, we were woken up by the sound of Mengele's voice.

Where Tobirama's or Madara's pleading had done nothing to elicit anything from me, Mengele's voice did wonders. For the first time since Will's death, I felt something, and that something was fear.

"8963."

I wasn't even surprised he wanted me.

"Yes, Doctor", I said but it didn't feel like it was me who said it.

"I have heard you have not been as... useful at work as usual." I didn't know what to answer, so I kept my mouth shut. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tobirama was there as well. It didn't make me feel anything. Madara grabbed my hand and held it, just the way Will had done when we were scared. It didn't make me feel anything, either. "Well, today is you lucky day. Remember I told you I would love to take you to my laboratory?" I saw Tobirama take a step forwards. Please, I thought. Please, don't make a scene. I can't lose you, too. "Well, now it seems like a too good opportunity to miss out on, now your brother is here."

No... No, not Madara.

"Doctor-"

It was Tobirama. Mengele immediately turned to him.

"And you..." Mengele walked over until he was right next to him. The doctor looked pathetic next to Tobirama's incredible stature and undeniable poise. "You will escort them. To my laboratory and back. Every day. If you fail to do this, I'll kill you." Tobirama won't care if you kill him, you idiot. "And who will protect them then?" Well, fuck, guess he will.

I had no energy to care everyone could hear Mengele confirm I was basically Tobirama's whore. I just sunk down to my knees, laid down on the floor, and fell asleep.

"Wake up. Izuna, wake up. We're here."

I blinked myself awake. A pair of familiar arms were carrying me. Tobirama. A familiar hand was holding mine. Madara. Tobirama was holding on to me as if he never wanted to let me go. He had his nose to the skin on my neck, seemed to breathe in scent my over and over. Madara was quiet as a mouse next to me, his thumb painting circles on my skin nervously.

I looked around. We were outside a clean, white tile building.

I felt nothing. All my abilities to feel had gone with Will's flesh. Why didn't they get a move on, already? Got it over with? It wouldn't be less terrible, whatever they did in there, if it was postponed for a few minutes.