Finally Meant (Book 5 of Series)

Cinnabon

Three Months later

Cario

The crowd sang most of my songs tonight and every other night lately. I checked out a while back and still couldn't get into it. I picked up the bottle again so every podcast, talk show and social media influencer had something to say. Fuck them with a rusty pole, they didn't know what I was dealing with. Liquor understood. Liquor wasn't judgmental. Liquor listens, for the most part. It's just the morning after when she is leaving my system, I feel worse than I was.

I guess liquor is a deceitful little bitch.

She knows imma always come back to her and that's the toxicity of our relationship. I only want her when everything is falling apart, she's my temporary love. Even as I'm tasting her, I feel control slipping away from and she wants me to feel every bit of what I want to escape. Khi, I call out his name in my sleep. Khi, I call out for him in the shower. Khi, I call for him as I perform. Khi, I call for him when I'm so weak all I can do is weep. Khi, I call out to him when my balls are so swollen I believe they will explode. I wake up in sweats craving to be inside of him, to feel his lips against mine, while his legs are wrapped around me and I'm deep inside of him.

Kp was ringing my neck about not writing any new songs because I had a deadline with my label. They were threatening to drop me. There wasn't a thought in my head about anything other than Khi. After we got him back that night, he fell back from me. So far back I had a hard time deciphering what was real or not. Did what we have ever exist or was I delusional? I told this man I loved him and in return he distances himself. What he suffered was traumatizing. Who can argue that? He partially faults me and who can say he's wrong?

Pause. Another shot.

Sometimes my heart feels dead. I beat against it to be sure I'm alive but crying randomly when Khi does reminds me that I am. Yeah, unfortunately even with distance we still share feelings. When I watch him on 'First Take' now, his eyes display sadness. He even lost that smooth confidence in his voice. This new emotionless shell of him is hard to accept. I turn the tv off. If only I could escape the unexplained connection between the both of us. He is scrambled into my mind, heart, and soul. Now all the happy parts of me are nonexistent in his absence.

Pause. Another shot. Actually, double it.

Melo will be here soon; we were at least speaking. He said after thinking about it, he's happy I didn't kill Ton. I give him the evilest look I possibly could, he doesn't know how regretful I am about not doing it. Ton is in fact dead, but he'll never have a funeral. We made sure if that. His body parts were probably in some gators belly and the rest of him is ashes, returned to the earth.

"I haven't been at the studio with you in so long. It's different without Vix."

"Never gon be the same." I pour some liquor right on the carpet. "R-I-P my nigga."

Melo kisses is fingers and lifts it to the sky. "R-I-P Vix."

"You been aaight?" I struggled to make small talk. Melo was my good friend, but I wasn't ready to confess to loving another man.

"Yeah, just told myself I had to link up with you this week. I see what everyone saying, just wanna check in."

"Fuck what they got to say."

"I don't listen to any of it, but you did look in pretty bad shape last night and why you stopped performing 'Down'?

Pause. Another shot. Note to self to befriend less nosey people.

"That's irrelevant. How yo brother holding up from the four-wheeler accident?"

"He good. All the females from his school keep coming by the house bringing him flowers, snacks and whatever he asks for."