Seoulstruck (Stray Kids, 18+)

Chapter 50: Do You Know Why I Left?

Hyunjin groggily nursed his Americano through the too-thin straw, his elbow on the armrest of the couch, rubbing his temples. He didn't have rehearsals for a couple of hours, but he couldn't stay in that bed for longer than his body would keep him asleep. He wasn't sure who he could trust, anymore. The feeling of exhaustion was flooding his body, aching all over. Hyunjin wondered how long he'd be able to keep this up. Sighing, he looked up just as the key to the studio was turning.

Chan stepped in, confused, a beautiful yet perplexed Hongjoong glancing from behind his shoulder. Hyunjin locked eyes with the producer he used to share a bed with, but they were cold and glaring, now. Hongjoong backed up. "I think, Channie," his soft voice trailed, "this talk needs to happen." Chan turned to protest, but the other producer had already rounded the next corner. He scoffed, looking down at the floor before shaking his head and closing the door behind him.

Hyunjin's breathing was anxiously choppy. It had been a moment since the two of them had been left alone. Chan held out his hands apathetically. "What can I do for you?" he asked, the question doused in a heavy tone of sarcasm. Hyunjin placed his drink on the table before standing up to meet Chan's eye.

"Do you know why I didn't choose you?" Chan looked up, taken aback, doing his best to act indifferent. "Do you know why I left?" Hyunjin's tone was venomous; Chan had never heard the idol sound so genuinely angry, before. He looked into Hyunjin's eyes, a pain he'd never even assumed the beautiful man was even capable of withstanding but knew all too well, himself, evident through a welling of tears. Chan shrugged. "Why?" he said, finally getting to ask the question he was too afraid to ask before. "Why didn't you stay?" His voice quivered more than he'd intended it to, but the man he'd fallen for, had poured years of work and time and affection into was finally giving him the answers.

"Because you're oblivious," Hyunjin spat. Chan's face twisted in confusion. "Because you are so indecisive about what you want and from who. You spent years, YEARS, flirting with me, asking me to dinner and random fun places but never as a date, FUCKING me in BOTH our beds, and the entire time, you played it off as a joke! As something that didn't mean anything to you! Like I was just a work buddy, not someone you'd treasure! Like I was a convenience to you... but you loved me, didn't you?"

Chan exhaled. "I already told you I loved--"

"Only once it was too late! And then you went and did the exact same thing to Felix, only he's too smart for that!" The tears rolling from Hyunjin's eyes were just as beautiful as he was angry. Chan felt so confused. Blindsided.

"I... I never thought you could feel the same way," Chan admitted, allowing himself to be honest. "I just... didn't think you, YOU, HWANG HYUNJIN, would ever truly care about me back, so... I did what I thought you would be more comfortable with!"

"What?" Hyunjin jutted his chin as he spoke. "Sleeping around like it doesn't mean anything? Is that what you mean by comfortable? Is that how you see me? How everyone sees me? As someone not worthy of keeping? Of hanging onto? Of cherishing? Protecting?" Hyunjin fell to the floor, the sorrow mixing with the body aches, crying as he gripped his head. Chan rushed to the idol's side, taking his wrist in his own. Hyunjin allowed the tears to flow, curling into himself. "I just want to be loved, Channie."

Chan's heart sank, looking at his former best friend - no - his former love weeping on the floor of his studio. The most powerful, adored idol in the world was sobbing because he didn't feel loved. Clearly, something was truly wrong. Chan's compassion exceeded any amount of animosity he felt. He gripped the idol's chin, wet with tears, gingerly turning Hyunjin to face him. "I..." He wasn't sure how to start. "I always loved you... and I'm sorry. You deserved better from me and I treated you like you didn't matter... and then I treated you worse. I'm sorry, Jinnie."

Hyunjin relaxed enough for Chan to release him, throwing himself into a deep and necessary hug. Chan embraced his favorite idol, tearing up a bit, himself. He knew he'd need to apologize if he was ever going to mend their friendship, but he wasn't sure just how that would come to happen. This was more extreme than he'd expected it to go, but Hyunjin was in his arms, which, in this moment, felt strangely right. Chan held on and didn't let go until Hyunjin's tears began to slow, the idol's grip finally softening. Chan pulled away, looking him over.

"What's going on, Jinnie?"