My Sweetest Downfall

My Past

Adeera

There it was.

Today was the time when the day felt ever so languid and still. The chirping of the birds sounded fragile in the morning, the black tea tasted odd on my tastebuds and the emptiness of the apartment became more palpable despite how loud the television was.

I was exhausted even after I woke up and the sleepiness urged me to stay in bed all day to do nothing. Every single movement felt hard to the point I couldn't even bother to open the windows to let the fresh air in. In the end, I simply managed to make a cup of hot black tea and dragged my limbs to the living room, a blanket draped across me, its ends trailing behind my steps.

I was lucky today was my day off.

The kitchen stayed cold for the whole day (except for the tea I made this morning). I couldn't register the fact of why the people in the television show were laughing and why it was easy for me to slip away from the sense of reality and let the past consume me.

At first, it wasn't apparent and I simply brushed it off by paying attention to anything that was played on the television, staring at the background details no one else even bothered to. But as the night approached, I simply pulled the blanket closer to me. The tea was half empty, already gone cold due to the hours of being left and the only light provided at the place was the irritable flashes from the television and the faint moonlight filtered through the slightly fluttered curtains.

Eyelids fluttered close. A warm sigh left my pale lips, feeling drowsy yet awake. The faint sound of a clock ticking could be heard amidst the loudness of the television volume and the whirring of the heater. Just when I thought I was drifting off to dreamland, a flash of blinding light along with a painstakingly loud horn made me jolt. I gripped the soft material of the blanket, knuckles turning white. My breath went ragged and the loud beating of my heart sounded way too deafening.

Then I remembered it, the sharp pain registered all over my body, the loud screeching of the tires, and the metallic taste of blood inside my mouth. I gasped loudly, coughing out the remnants as I pulled the blanket close to my body, trying my best to get rid of the flashes of the past.

Nothing's going to be wrong, nothing's going to be–

I shut my eyes, tears flowed down endlessly. A shaky exhale left my lips as I tried to calm myself down.

God.

A choke of a sob filled the tranquillity of the space. I couldn't find any comfort being in the space of my apartment and the blanket engulfing me somehow felt like a cage, restricting me from being free of the past.

Why does it hurt so much?

Just when I thought I was fine, this kind of thing managed to throw me off the track, sending me spiralling all over. I remembered my own bloodied hand, how my heart was about to burst out of my ribcage the moment I registered a familiar body slumped over, how I screamed my lungs out and tried to reach to the figure only to be pulled back.

No, no, no. Please tell me none of these were real–

Then I remembered a pair of calloused hands gripping my shoulders, nails dug deep into the skin as a rage-filled voice booming across the crevices of my mind.

"You killed her!"

A whimper left my lips as I crumbled down into a crying mess. Guilt and despair clutched my whole being, dragging me closer to the void of my own emotions, a place where I found myself coming back despite how many times I tried to run away.

Between me and her, why did it have to be her?

Until now I still wondered why I was still alive and breathing when in fact I deserved none of that. I had nothing whilst she had everything. Everything I've always wanted to be.