My Sweetest Downfall

Absence

Adeera

A roar of thunder.

The rain pelted down the earth, as if trying its best cleansing the sadness away. The low humming of the heater could be heard faintly amidst the relentless tapping of the raindrops against the windowpane. Outside, it was as if the heavens cried its hearts out, drenching the whole world in grey. The low murmur of my coworkers filling in the ambience, followed with occasional keyboard clicking.

By the time I came out of the office, the rain still hadn't subsided. A frown sported on my face as soon as I was out of the shelter the company had to offer, already hating the way the raindrops managed to splatter my shoes and the lower part of my pants. The wind itself was harsh, barricading me as if it was trying to take me down.

I tightened my grip on the handle when the umbrella threatened to slip out of my grasp. An exhale left my chapped lips. Home was just fifteen minutes away if taken by bus along with an additional five minutes walk but seeing the weather, it might take longer for me to reach the bus stop.

By the time I reached the bus, my stockings were already drenched. Water pooled beneath my shoes, forming a small puddle. It was dark except for the street lights and if anything, the lack of people in the bus itself made the situation appear lonelier. Dark brown eyes inspected the surroundings. 

A few seats in front was a man wearing overalls, his arms crossed and head slightly tilted to the side. He's probably sleeping. A teenage girl was busy on her phone, fingers vigorously tapping the screen as she drowned out the whole world. Then a young boy, probably middle school considering his school uniform, was staring out of the window.

A sigh left my lips.

I hugged myself, hiding my shaky, pale fingers into the sleeves. My mind couldn't help but drift to a certain jet-black hair, forest green eyes and a gentle smile. It's been quite a while since both of our agreements. Probably three weeks? Or was it already a month? I could barely remember.

We didn't meet every single day. Sometimes when I was too exhausted to even function, Ivan understood and would accompany me to the front door of my apartment along with his signature smile and a wave. And when I was lying on the comfy mattress before sleeping, soft streaks of pale moonlight and white ceiling were the ones that witnessed a stupid smile spreading across my lips. Sometimes when he was busy, he would inform me beforehand through texts (and yes, we were close enough to exchange contact numbers).

But most of the time, he would slip between my lunch break to take me out for lunch at the cafes or restaurants or take-outs and eat near the waterfront at the centre of the bustling city. If not, his blinding smile would be the one that greeted me the moment I stepped out of my workplace as he took me somewhere that I had given up figuring out every time because he would never tell me until we reached the destination itself. My sleep schedule was cramped into a couple of hours before I had to get ready for the next relentless hours of work but there's this certain solace and comfort settled in my heart upon having to spend the quietest and calmest moment with him.

Sometimes all we needed was an escapade wasn't it?

To say I loved my job would be a total lie. It was something I picked up along with the desperation of being left abandoned by my mother, a person that should be deemed important to my life, someone who should be bringing me comfort, safety, love– okay, enough. Something venomous stirred within my chest. It was something I wished to forget. Something I yearned to have yet I couldn't grasp.

Nonetheless, as languid as the day would be, the work still tired me out to the bone. After all, I could do nothing but swallow it in, despite how bitter the reality was.