𝐑𝐚𝐟𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬

𝐈 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐭𝐫𝐲 🩸

𝐒𝐨𝐧𝐠: 𝟒 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐭 - 𝐃𝐨𝐣𝐚 𝐂𝐚𝐭

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝐃𝐫𝐮𝐠 𝐮𝐬𝐞, 𝐒𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐭, 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬, 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦, 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐱, 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩

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    I stare at my reflection, don't like it. Rafe can see the discomfort on my face, he walks so he's stood behind me. He snakes his hand around my stomach and I take a shaky breath. Rafe leans down and places a small kiss on my cheek. "You're beautiful Y/n, you know that right." He reassures me before planting a kiss on my hairline. I smile at him, tucking my golden brown hair behind my ears. The strong smell of his cologne invades my nostrils, he smells like a mix of Cedar wood and cinnamon. It's my favourite scent. "Of course I know that." I lie to him, my smile still plastered onto my uneven shaped face. The warmth of his hands fade away and I notice that he's gone back to laying on his bed. I sigh before turning around and joining him on his bed, I lay on his chest and breathe in the scent of his cologne.

*

  The rain pours down on me as I stand in the alleyway, waiting for him. I see a figure at the end of the alleyway, finally he's here. He pulls his hood down to reveal his platinum blonde hair. "I've got the money." I say to him, scanning our surroundings. The man nods his head at me, signalling for me to show him the cash. I reach into my white purse and pull out a  small ziplock bag full of cash. He reaches into his pocket in order to pull out the things I'm paying him for. I hand him the money, he quickly takes it and hands me my items. "Hit me up when you want more." He tells me before disappearing into the darkness once again. I slip my small bag into my handbag. A shiver trickles down my spine, I need to go. I quickly hurry back to my car in order to get back home.

   I walk into my house, seeing Rafe in my kitchen. "There you are," He smiles at me, running a hand through his luscious hair. "Your brother said you went out but he didn't know where." I send him a soft smile before replying to him. "I just needed some fresh air that's all." I clutch my handbag close to my side, what's in my bag at the centre of my mind. "At 11pm?" I nod my head quickly before furrowing my eyebrows at my boyfriend. "What are you doing here?" Confusion creeps into my voice as I gently place my bag on the side as it's clear I'm not using my stuff tonight. "I just wanted to see you." Rafe takes a few steps towards me so we're mere inches apart from each other. "Oh I see." A smirk creeps onto my face as I get what he means, his hands trail up my arms. I reach my hand up to the back of his head and pull him so his lips are on mine.  

*

I lay next to my boyfriend, head on my pillow. We're both out of breath, he turns to me so I'm looking into his gorgeous eyes. "I love you, you know that right?" He sounds somewhat concerned, I don't know why. "I love you too Rafe." I place a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth before hugging him tightly. He turns me around so he can wrap his arm around me. I close my eyes, the smell of sex infecting my room.

*

   It's been a few weeks since I bought my drugs. I still haven't used them yet. Every time I try to use them I get interrupted by either Rafe or my brother Chris. They always seem to come at the worst times. The plastic bag is in front of me now, they're both not here. Chris is out with his fiancé and Rafe is god knows where, last thing he told me was that he was going on a ship with Rose, Sarah and Wheezie. I pull open the bag to reveal my options. I pull out the syringe and inspect it. It's looks okay to me. I pull my navy blue hoodie over my head and throw it beside me. I look at my arms, my scars are still there. I want them to go but they're too deep, they're a constant reminder of what I went through. What I'm going through. Chris saw these once, I forgot to roll my sleeves down after washing my hands and he spotted them. He started crying, Chris has been my main guardian my whole life. My mum has a massive addiction problem to many things: drinking, cocaine, I've lost track of the rest. Our dad has been non-existent pretty much my whole life, he was there until Chris was 8 and I was 4 but after that he just got up and left.

   I turn my head away from my scars, not liking all the memories they bring. I focus on the place I'm planning to stick the syringe into. I inject the heroin into my arm and I immediately feel a rush to my head. It feels euphoric. This is my favourite part of heroin, the way it makes me feel straight after. It's a pleasurable sensation, one I can't seem to get enough of. My skin feels hot, my whole body feels hot. I can feel my blood rushing to my head. Im staring at my ceiling when my mouth goes dry. I sigh, this is the part that I hate. My arms and legs feel heavy and numb.

   I'm laying in my bed, my body tangled up in my grey blanket when a wave of nausea crashes over me. I gag and immediately get up and out of bed. I barely make it to the toilet in time when I empty my stomach. I sit on my cold bathroom floor, looking at the stretch marks on my legs. They feel itchy, I scratch my legs but the itchiness doesn't go away. I should be used to this by now, I've been using for 4 months. I always try to quit but I have found that I just don't feel complete without it. I lay on the cold tiled floor.

*

   It's been a few weeks and Rafe still isn't back from his trip with the remainder of his family. I get up and off of my bed before heading towards my older brothers room. I need fresh air again. I gently knock in his door, knowing that he'll be awake. "Come in!" I hear him call from inside, I open his door and enter. "I'm going out." I announce, keeping my voice somewhat quiet because of the woman sleeping in his bed. "At 3am, seriously Y/n?" I nod my head at him. He rolls his eyes at me, "Whatever, just be safe and be back soon. If you're not back in an hour I'm calling the cops I swear." I roll my eyes at him before gently closing him door.

   I step outside of my house, the cold air nipping at my skin. I begin my walk, thinking about the past. About how happy I was. About the times I had to go through to get to this point. I left the house with a purpose tonight. I can feel tears stinging my eyes, I blink and one escapes. Once one leaves my eyes, they just keep coming until they don't stop. I think back to my Junior year of high school, when I first started dating Rafe. I'm 19 now. I miss him, he didn't tell me how long he was going to be gone but I only thought it was going to be for a week. Not a month. I find myself walking in a certain direction, it'll be the quickest way. No one will find me until tomorrow.

I stand at the edge of the bridge, there are no cars driving past like there normally are. I'm glad for that. I look out at the trees, wondering what lurks in them. The wind blows my hair to my left. I take a deep breath before hugging myself. The tears are still streaming out of my eyes. I think back to Rafe. He's not even here. He hasn't been in Outer Banks for a month, he hasn't even texted or called me. I know he loves me but I'm not worthy of his love. I take another small step towards the edge. He'd be better off without me, everyone would. Everyone would get over me anyway, life would still continue on. I'm tired of being a burden to everyone. I'm tired of tainting everyone's lives by being a part of them. I'm tired of acting happier and more in love with myself than I am. I'm just so goddamn tired.

Why shouldn't I be allowed to get some rest? Why should I have to keep fighting back the exhaustion, the soul-wariness? I'm tired of being held hostage by expectations that society keeps on producing. I feel like Rodin's Fallen Caryatid. Crushed under the impossible expectations to be a pillar, to hold the weight of others desires. I have tried so hard to hold those desires, even when my spine snapped, my limbs crumpled and my soul begged for rest. Please. Please just let me put this weight down, let me finally get the rest I need. I am so tired. I'm tired of everything.

I want to quit. What's so bad about that? Everything apparently. I mustn't hurt others, I always have to worry about others. I always have to put their needs before my own. Be the good girl. Be the one people can come to when they're struggling. Be kind. Be caring. Others always, myself never. I take a step off the edge. I can feel the air flying through and past me. The world goes black.

*

I slowly open my eyes just to be met with a bright light and the sound of beeping monitors. I hear a gasp come from next to me. My mind flashes back to what I just did. It didn't work. It didn't work. I slowly turn my head to the side to see Rafe stood up, his eyes wide. His eyes are red and his eye bags are more prominent than normal. "Y/n.." his voice cracks when he says my name. I look back at the ceiling, not wanting to be here. A tear rolls down from my eye to my hair.

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𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟏𝟕𝟎𝟎

𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐊 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝟏𝐊 𝐕𝐄𝐈𝐖𝐒!!