Loving the Ice Queen

Chapter 23

Barbara

Christmas day had passed.

I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, dotted with star-shaped nightlights. The sun had risen hours ago, but I didn't want to get up.

The day before had gone by just like any other day. I spent half of it in my home gym and kept busy in order to forget it was christmas. At least, that was what I told myself. But the truth was, I wanted to distract myself from my own thoughts and my last encounter with Ryan.

I was trying my best to ignore my breaking heart.

Eleanor called me. I had somehow deflected all questions about Ryan, but I couldn't lie to her when she asked where I was spending christmas. Tearful, Eleanor wished she was here with me and threatened to get on the first plane to New York.

"Don't be silly, Eleanor," I said. "I'm just fine with the babies. You spend your Christmas with John's family and have fun, otherwise I'm going to be very upset that you ruined your first Christmas with them."

"But you're alone on christmas day!"

I chuckled, the sound hopefully did not sound as dead to Eleanor as it did to my own ears. "If you know me, then you know I like my solitude, thank you very much. Now tell me, are they being good to you? I know you didn't get along well with John's mother the last time you guys met."

"You're changing the subject," Eleanor protested.

"Exactly. Because I don't want to hear you cry on christmas day. This is just going to ruin my mood if you keep at it."

She huffed. "Fine. And my future mother in law is... well, let's just say that I'm not the only daughter in law she has a problem with. John's older brother's wife gets on her nerves more than I do." A teary chuckle that held genuine amusement. "Actually, I think everyone just enjoys watching them go back and forth, it's kind of like watching a drama. Other than that, I'm having a blast, John's sister and cousins are so much fun!"

And she told me about their trip downtown and all the food they had. Everyone kept asking her about the wedding, which was only weeks away. Eleanor and John's wedding would be held in New York, and his family would fly over.

Eleanor had fun on Christmas, and that was everything I would ask for this year.

I went on a long walk on the beach with Pirate. The dog loved all the time I was spending with them at home these days. I wished I could spend the rest of my days like this, buried in my own little world with no people.

The tears came only at night. When I was in my bed and the world was silent. My heart was ripped open all over again and Ryan's words and silence ate at it like vicious vultures.

I did not want to think that the Ryan I came to know was a lie, a pretense. That he actually thought I was an ice cold woman. That I was someone he could not come to love.

I had opened myself to him. I had gone all the way and risked my pride and heart by admitting I was falling in love with him. I did not want to have any regrets. I wanted a clean break.

And I got it.

I had closed the door on him, wishing he would call for me, wishing he would knock and tell me it was a joke. But the sound of his car leaving drummed the last nail on the coffin of my hopes and left me trying to hold together the mush of my heart with trembling fingers.

Now, three days later, I sat up in bed and took the time to fix all the cracks on my cold mask. I had a party to attend.

I did not want to face Ryan. My pride was still beaten up and bloody. But I'd made a promise to two little children, and Barbara Owens kept her promises.