web diary

march fifth

It makes me feel better to write my feelings down. Today K looked at me with a face that was just a "screw you, take that." kind of look and it made me want to explode. I felt like my soul was being sucked out of my body and like no one was there to let me feel grounded. Without thinking I dug my nails into my palm. The marks are still there. When I start thinking about it again I just tense up. I feel like somewhere the gods are punishing me for something I didn't do. The way K saw me and was doing something he would do with me all the time with someone else and locked eyes with me. I think he hates me. So I'm asking you, yes you, you, the universe, why? Why make me go through all this? What did I do? How can I pay recompense for my sins? Why does he hate me? I miss the old K. the one who told me how funny and amazing I am. The one who was there for me when I was sad. The K that I knew a few months ago. Why did things have to change? I hate change. I hate it when people I know turn into complete strangers in seconds. I feel like all of the oxygen has been sucked out of my body. Maybe I'm like a tree. I give people resources that help them stay alive and in turn, it takes away from my wellbeing. Why am I so damn nice to people who don't deserve it? I hate the world. And I'm missing my sketchbook so let's pray my parents haven't gone through it. Ugh, could this day get any worse? I just need a break but the problem is I took my only break for this school year yesterday. Thank the stars that in only two weeks spring break is here. Sarah (my therapist) told me to talk to him but I don't think I can. I'm scared that if I say anything he'll shoot me down like always. I wish I was in 7th grade again. That was the only year I felt like me. TRUELY like me. I miss S, I miss K, I miss L, and most of all I miss myself.I miss who i was before. I hate how everything was fine back then. My skin burns.