All I've Ever Known

Road to Hell

By the time I made it back to my bedroom, my head was still spinning. It all made sense, and yet didn't at the same time. But I had gotten my answers, right? Vought wants to control the narrative - of course they wouldn't want it public knowledge that their superhero serum causes spontaneous heart attacks. If they control Maggie, they can use her device without her research going public. And this way, she becomes good PR for GodU as an added bonus. They didn't even need to lift her up, just pretend like they discovered her instead of her existing on her own merits. It should have made me feel better - knowing that she wasn't being artificially boosted in the rankings or whatever. It should have made it easy for me to stop obsessing over Maggie and focus back on my own life.

If I was honest with myself (and I'm usually not), the way she reacted when I brought up Sam changed my mind more than anything she told me in that warehouse. The crack in her facade, a glimmer of truth behind the lies. She's clearly powerful, and intelligent... Maybe I should be more worried about her being a legitimate rival than a nepotism plant.

But shoulds didn't matter when she met my eyes across a room - my heart would begin thumping erratically in my chest, and my mouth would go dry.

We fell into a strange routine, now that we had something of an understanding. She was always awake before me, sitting in the kitchen and sipping coffee when I would come downstairs to go running. We rarely said anything to each other in the mornings, but it was easy. I could feel Maggie let her guard down around me slowly - like the air in the room was getting marginally lighter. We ended up spending most evenings on the porch - she would lay on the couch and read or just scroll on her phone while I smoked. Sometimes we'd talk, but we usually didn't.

I started looking forward to it, in spite of myself. Even knowing I had studying or work to do, I didn't want to give up these few moments of peace that I had managed to carve out in my life. She started bringing songs to share with me. I remember the first time: she seemed kind of nervous that evening, picking at her nails.

Flashback

"What's up, mouse?" I asked her, flicking my eyes to her briefly before looking back out into the night. It was getting harder and harder not to stare at her - she was absolutely beautiful in the twilight. She still hesitated, chewing her lip for a moment. I almost gave up on getting an answer from her - it was useless trying to pry information out of Maggie, especially like this. But she surprised me.

"I want to play you this song. I think you'll like it?" She said it like a question, which made me chuckle.

"Go for it. I'm always down for new music," I said lightly, trying to ignore the way my heart swooped and twisted at the thought of her thinking of me.

And she was right, I did like the song. And each song she showed me in the following weeks. It was hard to keep her at arms length when she kept seeing right through every wall I put up.

One Saturday morning, I came downstairs to see Maggie looking more tired than normal, staring off into the distance as she stirred her coffee. Without really knowing why, I came up next to her. "Come with me," I said gruffly, walking towards the door without waiting.

"Where?" She asked, her voice rough with sleep as she stood up.

"Just come." I said. We walked in silence towards the gym, as I tried to deny the real reason I was doing this. I led Maggie towards the back, into the training room I usually frequent. It isn't outfitted for powers, but there's some sandbags and stuff. "Punch something. It might help you sleep." I said. "S'What I do, anyways." Then I began my workout, shifting into my smaller form and falling into a rhythm. I put in my headphones but I didn't listen to any music, listening to Maggie's rhythm as she began striking the sandbag. Whatever training Park had put her through had worked - she had force behind each strike and an even rhythm. I wondered what it would be like to spar with her - face her in the ring, mind running a mile a minute to out-maneuver her, sweat leaving a soft sheen on her skin, finally pinning her down...

Focus, Li! I thought to myself, starting my workout playlist and putting all my frustration into the sandbag in front of me. I let myself fall into the familiar beat of the music, accented by fists meeting leather. It was easy for me to clear my mind when I trained - sometimes, it was the only thing that could keep me from losing my mind entirely.

It was raining lightly when we left the gym, an oppressive layer of clouds above our heads foreshadowing a worse storm coming soon. I was hurrying through the rain, trying to keep my hair from being entirely ruined. Having two heads of hair means two sets of curls to keep from frizzing out.

"Wait!" Maggie said, sticking her arm out to stop me, almost clotheslining me. "Careful." She pointed at the ground, a massive earthworm slithering across my path.

"Did you just stop me... from stepping on a worm?" I asked her, not sure what to make of this. As with most things Maggie does, if I'm honest. But I stepped around the worm anyways, rolling my eyes.

"When it rains, the worms flee to the pavement. Scientists think it's because the vibrations feel like moles." She explained, continuing to hop across the sidewalk as if that explained literally anything at all. I hurried to keep up with her, shaking my head in amusement.

Once inside, I turned to her. "By the way, if you ever need to, uh, train with someone,." I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. "No pressure, of course." I was cringing at myself as I spoke.

"I'll probably take you up on that." She said, surprising me once more. She smiled at me with that crooked grin that made my heart go erratic. I headed up to my bedroom, trying to suppress a smile. I thought back to the time I saw her training earlier this semester. Watching her figure out how her powers work and utilizing them to gain the upper hand reminded me of my own experimentation with shifting mid fight. Yes, it was Brink who first suggested it, but once I was able to analyze the situation on my own and ascertain the right time to shift, it felt like a whole new world opened up. When we're able to actually understand our powers and the role they play within the entire encounter, the better we're able to actually use them.

One of the downsides to growing up in a... volatile home is that you become aware of all sounds and what they mean in your spaces. So I had instinctively removed my headphones when I heard the telltale signs of people gathering in the kitchen. Unfortunately, it wasn't the usual happy sounds of dinner being made. I heard raised voices - Luke, and Maggie? I knew I shouldn't listen but I found myself straining to hear in spite of myself.

"God damn it, Maggie, let it go! This isn't healthy for either of us." Luke sounded angrier than I'd ever heard him.

"Isn't healthy? Luke, what if... I just mean," She didn't sound angry - she sounded desperate. "He wouldn't h-"

"Just stop! We just didn't know him as well as we thought we did. You have to let this go before it eats you alive."

"This? He's our brother - our baby brother. If there's even a tiny chance..." Maggie took a long deep breath, and I could almost hear her jaw tighten as she tried to keep her emotions in check.

"Stop it! You silly little girl! Maggie, grow up, and face reality: he's gone. Forever." I heard him storm off, and I sat back in my desk chair, in shock. Luke was always so cheerful, kind, and careful with others' feelings. But the way he was yelling at his own sister, the way he was dismissing her concerns about their brother - someone I know he loved dearly... it was a side of Luke I had never seen before, and I didn't like it. My heart was pounding in my chest and the memories of my childhood were tainting everything around me. Laying in bed at night, hearing my parents yell about my problems (read: my powers), fighting with each other about how to deal with me. I was frozen, just like back then, unable to do anything but listen and try to understand. Because maybe if I understood what was going on, it wouldn't scare me so much. It never worked.

I still went out that evening to meet Maggie on the porch. Like most nights, we didn't say much. I didn't comment on the joint she had brought out with her, and she didn't comment on the tremble in my hands, and neither of us wanted to go back inside. I knew I shouldn't mention what I overheard, but I had to say something.

"Listen to this." I said finally, pulling up Into the Ocean by Blue October and playing it from my phone. It felt strangely vulnerable, playing this song that had been a comfort to me when I felt so alone. It makes me sound like an emo teen, but to be fair, I was one when I found this song. And it made me feel understood for the first time since getting my powers. I hadn't ever been the one to bring in a song, but since I couldn't find my own words, I thought someone else's might help.

And from the look in Maggie's eyes, they did.