All I've Ever Known

Come Home With Me

If you had told me at the start of the semester that Jordan Li would become my closest friend on campus I would have laughed in your face. But it was November now, and I found myself looking for them in every room, letting out a sigh of relief when our eyes would meet. Even though I barely understood myself, Jordan seemed to really see me - the me underneath the layers of deception and anxieties. They would catch my eye across the classroom when one of our professors said something particularly inane, a shared moment of truth amongst the lies.

If I was truly honest with myself, it reminded me of Sam. I could never hide my true feelings or intentions from him either. We used to have the same kind of moment when our dad would wax on and on about what it means to be a hero or whatever sanctimonious bullshit he was spewing that night at the dinner table. And it was an addictive and terrifying thing to be truly known. Especially when there are still skeletons in my closet, and threats looming on the horizon.

Being with Jordan made it easier to push those worries away. They started crashing my study time at the library, sidling up to my table with their characteristic smirk, a coffee in hand.

Today, they slid a cookie across the table at me. I raised an eyebrow at them in confusion but they pointedly ignored me, pulling out their laptop. But I swear I saw a small, satisfied smile flit across their face when I ate it.

It's strange, the things you notice about someone when you spend a lot of time together. For example, I had never paid attention to how someone moves before. But Jordan moves with precision, like they've mapped out what they're going to do before they've done it. And yet, they move quickly - lightning fast reflexes. Despite being a supe, I still usually felt like I had to choose between speed and accuracy, and Jordan had both in spades.

There are other things I've noticed. Things I wouldn't dare admit to - it makes me sound like a creep. But I know the kind of cologne they wear (L'eau d'Issey - I may or may not have recognized the smell in store right away), I know the face they make when they're biting back a quip, and... yeah, I'm falling for Jordan fucking Li. Despite my best efforts, despite the insane nonsense happening around us, despite the fact that I'm still keeping major secrets from them, I get fucking butterflies when they smile at me.

They don't need to know about my ... incident during the spring. They're already helping me with my family shit, already drove me to the fucking cemetery, already help so much with the nightmares that don't seem to be getting any better. The details are irrelevant, and besides - no one else knows. No one else can know. Even Robert, my dad's lawyer, keeps certain details from him. The only one who knows the whole truth is Grace, and that's because she's the one who found me.

Last night was really bad. I might need to change my sleeping aid because I'm skipping the same number of days but I couldn't wake up last night. I was trapped, choking, feeling his hand gripping the back of my neck and pressing me deeper into the water.

I don't remember what happened properly either, which makes it that much harder. It's like a series of scenes from a television show that have been put back in the wrong order. The doctors said that PTSD is like a memory filing error. My brain was trying to keep me alive, and it didn't have time to organize the memories properly and put them away in the right place. To me, it feels like I'm still putting together the puzzle of my own life, and I can't keep my hands from shaking so I keep dropping the pieces. I'm not sure if I'll ever know the full extent of what happened to me during those few days, or why it happened.

Jordan coughs, and I blink, only to realize I had been staring off into the distance for who knows how long.

"Earth to Maggie. Everything all right up there?" They asked, and despite the casual smirk on their face, I knew they genuinely cared. But that didn't mean I could tell them everything. That wouldn't be fair, and it would start me down a path of remembering that would just cause more problems. So I just smiled and nodded.