All I've Ever Known

When The Chips Are Down

Finals season flew by and all of a sudden, the semester was over. There was this holiday benefit thing that I had to attend, so I was dressed to the nines, with red lipstick and pearls like a true lady . Gag me. I straightened the emerald green bodice of my gown, feeling incredibly nervous and out of place. At least the dress was gorgeous, and it did fit me alright. It didn't matter that I wasn't in the top 10, my brother was, so there we were with Cate, adjusting each other's hair and clothes. Then, we entered the golden ballroom for the annual holiday gala.

We stepped into place on the red carpet, Cate on one side of Luke in a gorgeous red gown color-matched to his tie, and me on the other. Photo after photo - some of the two of them together, some of me and my brother, some of just me, some of all three of us... I felt like my cheeks might fall off. Brink stepped in from the other side to pose with his number one student, and I made my way to a table a little separated from the crowd.

I saw a few familiar faces - Grace Jones and Professor Park chatting surreptitiously over some fancy looking hors d'oeuvres, for two. Jordan and their parents stepped up to take photos next. They looked stunning in a burgundy embroidered suit, and I felt a blush creep up on my cheeks as I realized I was staring. Despite their beauty, I could see the struggle in their eyes - they didn't want to be here either, especially not with their parents. They get a few photos with Brink before being forcefully guided by their parents to a series of donors and trustees. Ah, what a way to welcome in the holidays.

Luke finally finished with his photos and came to sit by me while Cate went to speak with Shetty. He passed me a flute of champagne and I nodded in thanks.

"So, what do you think about all this junk? We haven't really... talked much since you got #1." I asked awkwardly, feeling the familiar guilt rising in my gut about the distance between Luke and I. I never doubted my decision not to tell my family about The Incident - they had too much on their minds. But it was just another wedge in the widening gap between me and my remaining family.

"Oh, ya know. It is what it is. I don't love that it all has to be so... quantitative. But I know if I do well here, it'll make my future easier." I nodded at that, understanding all too well the allure of a stable future. He looked at me for a long while, a look in his eyes that I couldn't quite read. "I love you, Mags." He said softly. "I'm glad you're here."

"I love you too, Luke. I'm... still getting used to it here. But the people have been really nice, and I'm learning a lot." I said hesitantly. Luke's eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly, and I bit back the snappy retorts that came to mind.

"You fit right in here, Mags. And you're set up for a great future. Try not to worry so much." My jaw tightened as I recognized our father's words coming out of his mouth. There was so much I wanted to say. Does it count as a great future if I don't want it? If I have to live a lie? I could've had a real future, the future I wanted, but it was taken from me. Taken when I was taken from that fucking party. Taken when our brother vanished into thin air. And you want me not to worry? I could feel the rage threatening to consume me, and I caught Jordan's eye across the room once more.

We didn't even share a smile - just a moment of eye contact - but it carried understanding and empathy in a way that nothing else could. A reminder that I'm not alone. I have an ally.

"Uh, are mom and dad here?" I asked, hoping to change the subject.

"No, they couldn't make it. But they wanted you to meet some people." By that he means that dad wants me to schmooze with some associates of his. I down the rest of my champagne, daring my brother with my eyes to say anything about it. I couldn't deny the small bit of pleasure I got when I saw his jaw tighten again. Good. I let him lead me to the group of men in suits, drawing my back up straighter and pasting a demure smile on my face.

"Happy holidays, gentlemen. I'm Margaret, it's wonderful to meet you all." I said formally, beginning to make conversation about vacation plans and family functions. I don't recognize any of their faces but there was still something that felt... familiar. Like a dream that I couldn't quite remember. The usual games were played - they ask about my father like they care about the answer and I answer like I know anything about my father's life. They ask about school, and I sell myself like a used car salesman. We were discussing the most recent guest speaker in my ethics class when darkness took over.

Someone cut the power. A few screams echoed in the ballroom, and a strangely familiar smell of eucalyptus and cigarette smoke invaded my senses. I felt hands on my arms, bodies bumping against mine, and panic wracked my system. I felt strong fingers grasping my wrist and another hand attempting to grab my shoulder, and everything suddenly became too real. In the darkness and panic of the crowd it was hard to tell at first which hands were looking to help and which were not. I found myself wishing I was near anyone I knew. Jordan, Cate, Luke, even Grace would be preferable to the strangers surrounding me, pushing, shoving, grabbing, pulling, tugging. They were pulling me away, pushing through the crowd that was closing in around us. Politeness flew out the window as panic threatened to take over. This was all too familiar. But I had already been to hell once and I wouldn't be going back. I took a deep breath before pushing out the energy field around my body, causing the two men to be pushed back, stumbling over their feet. I felt them coming closer again and I knew my only option was to run.

I booked it in the direction that seemed to have the least people, praying these stupid fucking heels would hold out for long enough. At this point I wasn't sure how much of my fear was projection and how much was because the situation really warranted this level of panic, but it didn't matter. My legs were moving on their own, taking me as far from the situation as they could. Not home, that's the first place they'd look. Not any of the crime fighting buildings, that's too close to the gala. I found myself hiding out in a third floor bathroom of the performing arts library, perched on top of a toilet and trembling. I carefully unstrapped my heels and thanked my lucky stars that I had decided to bring a clutch instead of leaving my phone in my coat, which was still at the gala. I took it out with shaking hands, seeing a flurry of phone calls and texts, most from Jordan. Even Andre had tried to call me, but neither Cate nor Luke had even texted. It shouldn't have bothered me - they were probably just as swamped and panicked as I was. But shouldn't my older brother be the first to make sure I'm safe, not the last? I turned my phone off, worried that somehow it would lead someone to me.

A dark thought occurred to me, one that had been occurring to me more and more recently: how involved is Luke in doing our dad's bidding? Would he stoop so low as to interfere in my life for him?

It's usually at this part in my spiral that I wrench my mind away from these questions and focus on the present. But I was alone in this dark toilet stall, heart still racing, and I couldn't help but entertain the thought. Luke had access to my journals. He knew about my research. He was home for a weekend trip two days before Sam disappeared. He delivered me into the hands of those men who did not seem fazed by the power outage nor eager to ensure my safety. And that smell - so eerily familiar. All together it gave me a sickening sense of deja vu. I hated that I was questioning my own brother, but I had been questioning everything since Sam disappeared.

It sounds cliche, but truly nothing had been the same since. Even before The Incident, nothing was right without him. Luke became even more of a carbon copy of our dad, laser-focused on future success.. Our mom slid further into her shell. Our dad ... well, he didn't change much. He was always a distant man, a family man only by duty and never out of love. He was our dad, of course he loved us. Of course he wanted what was best for us. It didn't matter if his actions aligned with that notion, he was our father. But with Sam gone, any semblance of a "real" family disintegrated. I had woken up to the empty platitudes and the way they sugar coated the truth. The people who should have understood what I was feeling looked on in apathy.

After almost half an hour of anxious stewing, I turned my phone back on, and saw another bevy of messages from Jordan. I texted them one word: safe, hoping that would assuage their worries. And then I turned it off again. I knew logically that I would be safe here. But every time I thought about leaving, I swore I could smell him again, or that I could hear laughter echoing in the hallways. I wouldn't leave until I saw morning light peaking through the window.