Yes, in the previous chapter I rant of how unfair love is but here I am still with HIM. The man who can't ease my mind. Am I being hypocrite? I really wanted to let go yet I am waiting for those big, extravagant changes to happened.
I wanna go to sleep but my mind keeps taunting me. I keeps me thinking of wild thoughts that eventually won't happened or it might? But, I think my mind is truly overthinking things that won't or should I say impossible to happen.
I keep putting my mind in a melodramatic mood, that even hearing music makes me want to just crumble and cry my heart out anytime and anywhere. That's how melodramatic I am right now. For you to fully understand this mind of mine. I will create a book about HIM. All about HIM.
Going back to this thoughts that keeping me awake. My mind keeps bugging me thay I am NOT the ONE for HIM. It keeps playing scenarios of which I was just an option. That I am not that beautiful as almost everybody around me says, that I am just a typical nothing special girl for HIM, that I am not a PRIORITY to HIS life that his family should always comes first his siblings and parent's. It is not that I don't want HIM to help but at least you, make me feel special. Not just on special occasions. I know that I am not really that important but He is actually asking for marriage yet he makes me feel so low.
Imagine I am writing this down because I cannot say it to his face. I was always been on the lowest ground. I was a helper to my cousin, just so I could survive. I was even downgraded by my own sister the moment I resign to my job and got on standby for a month looking for other jobs. When I was already down at the time due to all the rejection emails I recieved. And, all the salaries I have recieved from my past job was spent with them, I was never selfish with her yet that was the payback I get.
And now the ONE who is supposed to make me special is also downgrading me.
Maybe that why my mother told me a long time ago when she was still alive that I should be the ONE to LOOK AFTER TO MYSELF because NO ONE ELSE will be on my side. I even ask her even family or siblings? And yes she answered No One. Now, I realized that.
I may be a bad judge of characters that no one will side with me through whatever downfall or uphill I will go through. That everytime I climb up, everybody will be pulling me down because they thought I do NOT deserve it even if I work hard for it.
Or maybe I am just to self-centered not compensating with others that is why I am always being drag down. No matter how hard I climb they kept invalidating me.
Too much to say, so many thoughts. I just really wants to sleep and this is my way of coping.
I am no grammar nazi so if whoever you are reading this forgave me for all those grammar error and misspelled words.
