CURSE MY LOVE

Chapter 7

God Knows

Expectations have been the reason I can't wholly trust someone. I always scold myself for expecting too much and I deserve getting the door shut in my face for me to get a grip.
So this is what I taught myself you can only have it when you have worked for it, you have no right to demand more.

But God told us to trust him right? Believe without a doubt that whatever you have prayed for will come true and there was a condition that if you believe without a doubt and this is where I fall short.
Since I can remember I never let anyone know how desperate I am for something because I always don't get it it is as if someone is telling me to be content and I am getting ahead of myself been greedy again.

So recently after life hitting me with disappointment like for third time I was angry and I was able to keep my mouth shut but my head said something awful things I regret.
At first I thought if I don't say it out loud then it is fine but He is God and he knows my thoughts so I just let it out and then regretted it.
This is why I don't deserve anything, you see I am paying for being born but it has been God who has been carrying me through and with that I always ask Him why bother with me? Why waste your time on me like my father taught me, to him everything he spent on me is a waste and he could has used it for something useful.

So I asked God why when he rejects my prayer to kill me using the natural method and I wake up empty but still have breathe.
So I asked what is written in my future? What is in the stars? Did I pleased you somewhere in the future and that is why you're keeping me alive? Did I repay you for all the things you did for me?
These have been the questions I asked God and when He ignores my questions and keep on loving me unconditionally like I did something to deserve it it makes me mad.

Like why are you making it so difficult, I am used to being billed for the things I received so why the grand gesture.
I remember reading the Bible and you said something like I have tested you in the fire of suffering, as silver is refined in furnace but I have found that you're worthless.
I laughed only to drop tears on your Holy Book and I guess you know.

I haven't passed not a single test you sent my way and all that I end up doing is murmuring, whining begging you to make it all go away but then again I know I have been your miracle project.
The laws of heaven and hell know that I shouldn't be alive.
So this is what I taught myself to somehow repay you for trusting me when you shouldn't is I tried not be ask for more although it would make me happy but my happiness doesn't matter when I have debts to pay. So in order for me not to hurt again for ignoring being content I tried to be okay and create a doubt why I won't receive what I prayed for.
I will be waiting for you to grant it to me if you see it fit.

So when I closed my eyes and ask you to heal me of those sickness I tell myself that everyone deserve to suffer and we are all hurting one way or the other. I guess I lost all my cards and schemes of demanding for something I deserve because the human form of a king you gave to me doesn't see my worth but always how worthless I have been.
I lost the card of being a princess, right now I have been a slave with her head buried on the ground trying to do everything her king wants so to repay her debt and for you God with your kind of debt I can't even repay it with my life.

So you see what I am trying to do. I have been made that way to survive and to hurt less, I don't expect much so how do you expect me to demand more from you when I haven't done anything to redeem myself worthy.

So the last time I prayed the reply you gave me was why am I treating you like I treat my father?
You made me speechless and you made me cry when you said it like that.
You took my back to the past and those memories made me understand.
I am leaving in the mercy of my father because I have no where to go, how can I possibly trust anyone to have compassion on me and be kind to help me when the person I trusted most hands me the bill of all that he has done for my worthless life and he calculates that he could have used it to do something better.

I may be cocky on the outside but the feeling is not mutual on the inside.
So I guess I have been treating you like my father but that have been the reason I don't get hurt much I guess it hits different.
It might be safe to say this but I am finding it hard to trust you and it is not like I don't trust your powers I really do but maybe I should put it this way this is how I have laid my foundation to get these walls around me and until my worthless life finds your weakness and why you have been holding on to me when I tell you to let go every time.

I can only put my crown on when I find one good reason why you are doing this. Could it be I make you smile but that can only be delusional you have existed for thousands of years to be smitten by me.
Could it be I am Mary your mother's reincarnation or could it be I did some good deed in the past?

Maybe this is another explanation, I trust you completely and there's no doubt about it and it is not like my doubt will cause a difference but I don't trust myself being worthy of your love.

You know my father recently told me that I will be miserable when he is gone and that broke my heart knowing that he is right.
He knows I am nothing without him and nothing good will come to me in his absence and at that moment although I was hurt again and I wanted to be confident and say you watch and wait but those lines never favors me so I had to pray and beg God to keep him safe.
He definitely has no trust and hope in me. I can't make my plan a secret because I look up to him and I am not uncomfortable asking God for a helper because I know I am going to be in debt again.

With the way I am how can I possibly get anything from you Lord?
My head is a mess and i really want you to help me but then again I say it is okay.
This is the reason why you should give up on me. But then again I see my little self crying and begging you to help free her.
I really want to be someone important that gives someone hope and I promise I can make them feel like it is your abundance and they will give you praise and they won't feel the burden of being in debt.

I know if there's reincarnation I won't be coming back and if it is a must I want to be something that doesn't rely on any human, maybe I can be a rain or snow or wind and with that I will be useful to you God.
I have put you in a dilemma, part of me is begging you to help and the other part just want to be content but I believe you search the deepest and the most secrets places in humans' souls so I believe you know...