Burn the light

Chapter 4

It has been less than a week since I have received the rejected email from the company and I do not think there is any water left in my body considering the amount of tears I cried.

I wish I was an ocean. I don't want all those emotions in myself. I want to crash in waves destroying everything in the way, including these feelings. Including myself.

But I am human and all I can do is to endure.

I don't know how many meltdowns I have had lately.

I was so stupid. Do I have such a high ego that I thought they would choose me?

I really did my best and it was not enough. I am not enough. Maybe I am a failure. There is no maybe. I am a failure. What hurts the most is that I always thought I would have a normal life. A job I like, a good payroll and a decent apartment.

I drag myself out of bed to prepare to go outside.

I feel like I am going to die if I stay one more day crying out of anxiety. Especially in this tiny apartment where I feel like I can not breathe.

The fresh air wakes me up a little.

Samuel and Matthew called and texted me but I did not answer. I was too sad to do it. And also, a little bit embarrassed.

They secured a job when they were doing their internships. They did not have to spend months looking for one.

I will break the news later today even though they probably realized why I did not reply.

I am so scared that life is going to stay like this forever. I am scared that one day I won't have any money left to pay my rent and would have to become homeless or worse. I feel pathetic and weak and stupid and any other negative adjective my mind can think of.

I thought a walk would do me good but I still feel this huge ball of stress in my stomach.

I decide to seek the comfort of books and go to the bookshop.

I set a new rule. No more buying books until I have a job. Books can become expensive when you read a lot and I can't put that much money into buying books without having a salary.

I thought that the most stressful thing I would have to do in my life was to ace my exams. I did not realize that life after university is worse than being a student. I wonder if I would have done something different if I knew how my life would unfold. Every action has consequences.

I found a small book with a pretty cover and scoff while reading the title.

'Ikigai: The Japanese secret to a long and happy life."

I do not think I deserve a happy ending. Life made it clear that for now the only thing I can receive is suffering.

I put back the book I have chosen and look for something else.

I know I should have picked a small book but I fear all fantasy books are quite long. And if they are not, I worry I won't like it. When I appreciate something, I want to remain in it for as long as possible.

I won't buy it though. I will read it here even if I have to come every single day during a week to finish it.

I sit at one of the tables and start reading the book I have picked. I do not know for how long I read but the sounds start to fade away.

This place is not bright and reading tires me. I yawn and stop midway when I notice the man sitting in the seat in front of me.

I did not realize someone sat near me. I have not realized he did.