Burn the light

Chapter 6

I wonder if I took a route I was not supposed to walk on. Apparently if you are on the right path, opportunities fly your way. What if I had been too stubborn in my decisions to see the signs given to me?

I have studied for my degree for five years. Five years of intensive work. I was not passionate about computer science but I liked it. Work should not be about passion anyway, it has always meant suffering.

The rain falls heavily around me as I watch the cars pass by while sitting on a bench. I put my head up, daring to look at the sky while the water flows on my skin. My hood was protecting me from the rain but with the position of my head, it falls back. My curly hair will turn into frizz.

I want to throw up and cry until I can't feel anything. Until I won't have any other choice than to disappear.

I don't recognize myself. I lost myself to self doubt, insecurity and fear.

Someone sits next to me and I lazily glance at them. The woman looks like she is homeless. Her hair has so many knots she would probably have to cut them under her ears to get rid of them.

If I was myself, I would probably be distant, preparing to get up and walk away. But I don't feel like myself anymore so I just look at her with absent eyes.

She puffs on her cigarette and then holds her hand out to me without glancing my way.

"No, thank you."

I don't smoke and even if I did I won't let my lips touch a cigarette a stranger had in their mouth.

"It helps with the stress."

"How can you know I am stressed?"

She glances my way before blowing the smoke.

"No one would stay out in the rain without seeking shelter."

"I like the rain." I justify myself.

She shrugs before offering her cigarette again.

I look at it for a few seconds. Does it really help with the stress?

I open my bag and look for change.

"Do you have another one?" I ask.

"I'm already nice enough to offer some of mine. Don't try to grab my hand when I am offering my arm."

I don't feel the need to correct her.

"I will give you two pounds for one cigarette."

She hesitates before smiling at me. One of her front teeth is missing.

"Three pounds." She counteroffers.

"No."

"Fine."

She reaches for her pocket and opens her pack of cigarettes. I take one after giving her the money.

Am I really going to do that? Smoking cigarettes with a homeless woman?

It's just a cigarette I try to repeat myself but it feels like more to me. I would not have done this before. But being who I was did not benefit me.

She lights the cigarette for me as I put my hand in front to not have the wind blow off the fire.

I observe the cigarette between my fingers. Maybe if I change who I am then I could change my life. Becoming the opposite of who I am might be favorable.

I approach the cigarette from my mouth but it suddenly flies away.

I scrunch my eyebrows as I look at the cigarette on the floor.