Letters For Mercy

Feelings of Dread and Fear... Over come them

Hello Mercy,

It's your mommy speaking.... I used to say I would write letters to you before you were born, but I never followed through until now. You, my precious child, I love you with all of my heart. I said that if I ever had a child that I would never turn around and do to you what my bitth parents did to me.

I said that I would always love you and protect you from as many dangers as I can.... Even if those dangers are myself.

I also said that I would provide for you and make you strong; that I would give all the love I have to you.

But it seems mommy has hit a road bump. Mercy, mommy is depressed and I fear that I can't provide for you... I fear that I'm not good enough for you.... I fear that when you grow up that you'll despise me and call me the worst mother ever... I fear you'll abandon me like my parents did.

I know it's not fair to think that way, and I know that I have so much to learn and work on. I had a whole crying melt down because I feared the worst case scenario. A little dose of fear can be good, but constant can be....toxic and a hinderence.

I've stayed stagnant and ran from so much in my life because, I was afraid... Wonderful opportunities were lost because of my fear. I don't want that for you, Mercy. I want you to be well off and a strong woman in this crazy world that we live in. I want you to be pure, untainted by the horrors of my past and family karma. I want you to continue to smile your beautiful smile and I want you to walk you own path.

I remember the days when I was alone and staring down at you tossing and turning in my belly, fearing that I wouldn't be a good mom enough for you; I can honestly say for my first year I did very well, even with raising you on my own. I can also say, I have sooo much to learn. I've never been a patient person, but this last year rasing you, I've learned to. You've always kept me on my toes, whether it was a scare or a laughing fit ... I loved every single moment if it all. With your growth and mine, I got to see just how much I could take under pressure. And in moments where I had to be strong because crying wouldn't alive anything... I stood tall.

I'm sorry that recently I've been distant and stuck, I keep going over and over in my head that maybe you'd be better off without me.... But then I remember I can't bare to part with you. If I did I'd never forgive myself.

I say all that to say this, my precious girl; I love you more than the universe can hold the stars and planets. I love you more than words can describe. I love you more than the size of our sun... And I love you until the end of time. You're the best thing that could've happened to me, though you're quite the challenge ... I don't want it to be easy. I promised to do right by you, so that my family history wouldn't repeat and I intend to keep that promise.

Words of empowerment love. When ever you're down and feeling doubt I want you to look in the mirror and say these words to yourself.

"I love myself and I am loved.
I am strong
I am beautiful both inside and out.
I am smart, and I am brave.
I will not let fear rule me
I will not run from my problems, I will face them.
I will be myself and remain as myself and not change for anyone.
I will be kind to others even when they're not kind to me.
I will spread positivity, peace and love"

I hope these help you in the future my dear, because currently they're what I also need. Be strong in this insane world, Mercy, and know that mommy loves you, very much.

Love,

Mommy

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03.14.2024
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