"am i a lesbo?" i ask myself.

we can't be friends - Ariana Grande

Hesitation washes over me, as my eyes dart all over the paper. Words in a sentence that strike me rotten deep down my core, knuckles go sickly white when I grip onto the pen so tightly.

"You have given extensive thought behind your decision and give 'Brighter Days Inc.' the exclusive permission to remove this person completely from your memory:
( )Yes ( )No"

I hate how I let the tip of the pen lightly brush above the printed 'No', I hate how much I'm urging myself to sprint out of this dreaded building, clutching hard onto the box of tinkers that I once treasure with the entirety of my soul. I hate it, all of it, these gnawing feelings l've been putting at the back of my brain; they've been haunting my dreams, turning them into endless nightmares. Thoughts from dusk till dawn filled with you and I, pains me, torments my whole.

Eventually ticking the much favourable 'Yes', I doodle my signature above the dotted line. Peaches, my name, sweet to the ears as my name rolls out of the nurse's tongue, startling me albeit my turn has come. Knees weaken, palms sweaty, the realisation dawns upon me when I pace myself towards the eerie room, with a brown box in my hands.

Unknowingly, I'm already seated on what seems like a dental chair as the doctor blinds my tired eyes with the fluorescent lights glowering above me. The nurse attaches a questionable band around my head, both sides of the edge stuck to my throbbing temple like glue, as green lights flash ominously. Trembling, terrified, yet clueless I shut my eyes when this whole cult-like memory extraction starts.

We were at an arcade, the premise filled with blocked machines and children's laughter. Like diamonds we stood out in a tray of copper, alongside invincible pink bubbles and spring flowers decorating our intertwined fingers. Running enthusiastically, I halted at one of the claw machines, a pink teddy with adorable stubby limbs caught my eyes. You looked at me, with oh so much love, I swore your heart was full too. You managed to win it, a whopping 48 bucks just for wool and cotton, but it was so soft it squished comically in our congratulatory embrace.

We were in our shared bedroom, the space covered in vibrant pastels and laced curtains. However, you were coddled up under the sheets, seemingly upset at a petty argument over dinner. I sat at the edge of the king-sized, wondering what pissed you off. When I suddenly remembered, you were allergic to shrimp, while I was adamant on ordering shrimp pizza. Small tiny details that I should keep in mind yet I fucked up, no wonder you were grouchy the whole evening. Took me approximately five hours to uplift your mood, I sighed a contented relief as you showed me your illuminating smile, the one that brightened up my days and nights 24/7, 365.

We were laying down on a snowfield in our backyard, the icy ground chilled us to the bone. You suggested that we make snow-angels, one that looked like me and the other like you. Laughing uncontrollably, our laced fingers were caught in the sleeve of your coat. All of a sudden, it didn't feel that frosty anymore, as you placed us in your coat pocket. We were under the duvets, the pale white sheets engulfing our bodies. I was spilling secrets about grumpy neighbour Bobby in my Care Bears pyjamas, your eyes glistening as I went on and on about how Daisy, our pet doggo's chew toy invaded his rose garden. I was impressed though, as the garden was a gift to his wife for their 30th anniversary! Did not predict him to be a romantic, a hopeless one in fact.

We were sitting on the dining table quite literally, across each other with a big beautiful stash of cake in between us. My floral dress sprawled over the smooth wooden surface as the infinite candles were starting to flood the cake with colourful wax, but you insisted I made a wish before blowing them out. It was difficult, tragic even when the candles were so stubborn too. Like completing a side-quest, you handed me my long-awaited gift, a necklace, with a peach pendant swaying along with the silver chain. I had never taken that necklace off, ever.

Until now, though. Oh how badly I want to possess it forever, to leave it around my neck till God knows when, to ensure it has a place to be shown off, flaunted to passer-by's on the streets of New York City. I beg, wail, to allow me to keep it, though to no avail, the nurse doesn't quite give in to me. 90%, on the brink of success, but l'm still clinging, struggling to hold onto our memories together. 99%, I shut my teary eyes, and I taste the saltines of rolled-down dews as my lips purse into a smile. Faint, but the brightest one yet.