Almost 2 years since I've last made a post here. I've been so busy, I almost forgot about this. So busy that I can't even cry.
2 years, nothing has changed. Same old insecurities, same old self. Still trying to hold on though despite how harsh words may be.
Compared to my last post, I seem to have matured a lot as time passed by. A lot calmer actually. I guess I just accepted my fate. Always belittled, always compared, always the one scolded...
The lazy, the fat, the one who doesn't care...
The ugly duckling of the family, the black sheep...
It's funny, when somehow some of those words were not even describing me. I may be the fattest, but definitely not the laziest. I guess the amount of work depends on how big you are. The amount of effort must exceed the amount you eat.
Pretty privileged is real, and I tell you, I first-handedly experienced this. That feeling when you do most of the hard work yet never once was ever appreciated. Then suddenly one pretty girl goes do one thing and suddenly everyone applauds for her helpfulness, for the bare minimum. She can complain all she wants and when I do, all I get is "That's your responsibilities."
I forgot when was the last time I ever heard them thank me for everything I've done. My efforts are all ignored, I get upset, then the next day I act like everything is just fine as it is. I've become numbed to whatever it is I am experiencing.
The sad thing is, I never had anyone to tell any of this to. Not even my friends, nor any one. Here I am, typing in whatever I'm feeling on the internet letting it all out like a fool.
Even the happiest-looking person in the world can cry you know. I might be all smiles in real life but in reality I'm not, but I won't keep at it for too long.
I'll try to overcome these. Becoming stronger than ever. I might not be the best version of myself right now but I know I can still grow...
To myself, to wherever we are right now, I don't know how we will get by, but right now, slowly but surely, we can definitely get out of this infinite loop of self-hatred and envy. We will no longer cry, like we are doing at this moment, nor curse like the previous posts prior to this one.
It makes me laugh looking back at how we look at life before. It might not be that much different but we're trying to look for something positive in the future. Something to look forward to. And I hope that by the check you check this diary again, we are better than we are know.
YOU ARE READING
My Insecurities
Random*This story is not really a story. Its more like a personal diary where I share tiny bits of my life and how shitty it feels like to be alive. My story is not the worst. I know that. But things are different in many ways for everyone. You might feel...
