My Insecurities

God, Help Me

Never thought, I will write again this quickly HAHAHAHAHA. But really, it's just that I'm entertaining thoughts again that I know I shouldn't.

The thought of death never really frightens me, not even once as I grew older. What always bothers me is what will be their reactions when I leave this world.

I sometimes dream of it. You know their reactions. Will they cry? Will they smile? Or will they just think it's better off without me? What will happen then? How will they leave my life without me?

Knowing that if I'm gone, my sister would probably start to take over my responsibilities, or maybe my mom will work harder than she does now. And dreaming of it makes me cry.

I've wonder how their lives would have been without me in the picture. How different it would be, and everything and anything that I know of is different. That's what frightens me.

I always entertain this thoughts at a very young age. When I started understanding everything around me. Just what if. I remember always asking my friends randomly, "What will you do if I die?" And it amazes me how each one of them reacts differently. Some treats it jokingly, some sincerely, some seriously, but either way I know they care me. It just that he thought entertains me.

And I'm doing it right now again. I never really gotten to the point that I harmed myself for the thought of that but will never know how this go. You'll never know when the thoughts becomes actions, and where it would happen.

And atleast in a way, by typing this here, I can clear some thoughts, maybe... To stop myself from acting impulsively. Well, atleast I'm aware of what my current status is. And that's what matter most, right?

Though I do need someone to talk about it with, I just can't in this environment can I? Where everyone judges you as crazy when you talk about suicidal thoughts. So really self, don't mind, don't mind...