"Hello, happy birthday! I know we haven't talked in a little while but I just wanted to give you a little something." I set down the flowers in my hand and smile. "I know it's hard to think about getting older, especially now, but I think it's important to celebrate your past and where it lead." I felt a rain drop on my head and smiled again. "How perfect! You always loved the rain." I sit down next to him and smile at him again. "How old is it now? 86? I hope that's right. I'm losing my memory as I've aged. I had to ask the nurse the other day and she said I was 85 so I just added a year. It's funny how I had to add a whole year when you're only a couple months older though." I laughed and leaned my head back to feel the steady drops. "Russ is doing well. He and Jund have been talking about moving into the same retirement home. I give them a month before they try to kill each other. I'm sure you heard that Mark passed away a few weeks ago. Jack is still devastated but he's holding onto hope. It's strange how things like that can change you. Clem says I'm a completely different person." I look down at my wrinkled hands and frown slightly. "I've missed you." I say quietly. "It's only been a couple months but it feels like everyday is a year." I don't know what else to say so I just sit and let a few tears fall and mix with the rain.
"Look at me. A decrepit old man talking to a grave. You'd think I'd have something better to do but I don't. The doctors say I'm heathy but I don't feel like it. I feel like I've been sitting and waiting for death to come knocking. I don't fear death like I used too. I also don't know what I believe in. I don't really believe you can hear me but I don't really know what else to do." And to think, not five months ago I was cuddled up next to him on the couch. That's when the pain stared. It was in his left arm. We both know what it meant. "Why didn't you tell me?!" I cry. "You kept it from me for so long and I didn't even notice...." Notice what? That he was in pain? That he wasn't himself? That he was dying? "They say hindsight is 20/20. I never knew what that meant until that terrifying ambulance ride." I hear the thunder and silently pray to anyone listening that I get struck by lightning.
I hate this! I hate being old! I hate that everyone has to do everything for me! I hate that he can't be with me anymore! I hate living!
But I still sit there, waiting for this constant ache to lighten. To feel alive again even for just a second. It will come soon. I can feel it. But for now I must go on. It's what I have to do. For Clementine. For my friends. For him. I stand and smile back down at the grave. "Sorry for making your birthday into a sob fest. I hope that in where ever you are, you have a great big celebration! And I hope Mark and Snake are there too! I'll see you soon. I love you.
Happy birthday Ry!"
