Farmer Agent Bartholomew

Mentoring Bartholomew: My Most Normal Student

     Howdy partner! The name is Angelo Rock. I'm a 40-year-old man with a head of red hair as well as being left-handed. I enjoy stopping crime as a secret agent but don't tell anyone I told you this though. I have been a secret agent for fifteen years, teaching rookies how to be bodyguards for high-standing officials and investigating financial crimes as well as criminal investigations. This line of work is stressful to the point that even rookies begin to have their hair turn gray due to the stress of it all. Teaching isn't so bad, and learning about my students is the reason why I keep coming back to this job.
     I woke up this morning, hoping for a normal day (it wasn't), when I got called down to the main office of our agency. Scratching my head in confusion as to why I would be needed downstairs, I quickly make myself look decent and head down a flight of stairs. Greeting my colleagues along the way, I make it to the lobby and spot one of my students, Zeus, grinning at me from ear to ear. Next to Zeus was a tall man with blonde hair and blue eyes. His clothing reminded me of your average farmer in Texas, but nothing besides his eyes and hair was worth noting.
     "Is this the reason why I was called down here Zeus? To start teaching another rookie?" My voice drawls on with tiredness and dread, knowing that there will be more paperwork to do.
     "Right on the money 'Lo! This here is someone I found while going to college at Harvard. This guy, Bartholomew, really has a knack for learning about crime!" My student puts both his hands on Bartholomew while introducing him.
     "I told you when we are in public, call me sir or leader!" Coming towards Zeus, I put him in a headlock and give him a fierce noogie.
     "Alright! Alright! Sorry sir!" Zeus exclaims my name, trying to get out of my vice-like grip.
     "Good to hear, now back to the matter at hand, why do you want to work as a secret agent Mr. Bartholomew?" My smile quickly wipes off my face as I go into professional mode.
     "Well, sir, I realize that me being a farmer for the rest of my life would not be very fulfilling. While on my family's farm, I was deathly alone. Being alone is a terrible feeling, and it is something I wish to not experience for a long time. It's just that being a secret agent would mean that I wouldn't be alone. Along with the fact that helping people is what I studied during college, I think you should consider giving me a chance sir!" Bartholomew pleads his case, hoping that he has not said too much or too little.
     Bartholomew stares into my eyes, I can see how his sweat rolls down his forehead and onto the polished floor. I contemplate his words, absorbing them into my head like how a sponge absorbs water.
     "DAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, you are a riot!" Tears roll down my face as I laugh at Bartholomew's reasoning. Bartholomew's face turns bright like a ripe cherry in embarrassment.
     "Since your reasons were so funny and since you were telling the honest-to-God truth, I'll go sign some paperwork and then you can begin your training with me and work with Zeus." Wiping tears from my eyes, I accept Bartholomew into the secret agency.
     "You mean it, sir! Yeehah!" Bartholomew jumps in the air in joy while pumping up his fist.
     "Congrats dude, soon enough you'll be working with me instead of that old geezer." Zeus grabs Bartholomew into a friendly headlock.
     "40 is not old, and you still have much to learn zygote!" Rushing over to Zeus, I punch him in the head for being rude to his elder- I mean superiors. While Zeus rubs his head in pain, I tell Bartholomew to go get himself some food while I do paperwork. Bartholomew quickly salutes and hurries off to satiate his hunger. Zeus gets up and rushes after Bartholomew, telling me to call him once the paperwork is finalized. Sighing from how rambunctious Bartholomew and Zeus are/will become, I head to my office to do the paperwork.
Finalizing the paperwork after 20 minutes, I turn in "Bartholomew's" at the front desk and head out to the nearest subway to get a meatball sub with some other papers in my work satchel.
     Heading into the subway, it seemed relatively quiet until I reared my head over to the farthest corner and spotted Zeus and Bartholomew chatting it up. Ordering the sub flew by so fast that I didn't even realize I was sitting next to Zeus. Man, being a secret agent is so tiring.
     "Yo, Angelo! Me and Bartholomew were just talking about which sandwich orders are the best." Zeus gives me a grin while Bartholomew waves his hand at me in a silent greeting, stuffing his face with whatever sandwich he chooses.
     "What are you even eating anyways Bartholomew?" Questioning his choice of sandwich, I silently judge him for what looks to be mustard as his condiment of choice. Bartholomew pulls out a tiny journal and flips to a page in it without even looking as if he knows the pages by heart. He shows me what's written on it and I am perplexed at his order.
     "Well, my go-to sandwich is turkey, ham, provolone, and pickles. My bread of choice is toasted rye bread with lots of mustard and a tiny amount of mayonnaise, to balance the mustard out." Bartholomew quickly swallows the chunk of sandwich he was munching on and describes his sandwich in perfect detail, with no stuttering whatsoever.
     Looking closer at his sandwich, I see a disgustingly absurd amount of mustard piled into the sandwich.
     "Well, as long as you're not wasting food, I won't judge you too much." Trying not to think about the horrendous amount of mustard on a sandwich I look over at Zeus, seeing him eat with a smile on his face. Seeing how content my students were, I couldn't help the grin forming on my face as I began to devour my meatball sub.
     "Anyways Bartholomew, after lunch, prepare for the worst training of your entire life." Bartholomew looks nervously at Zeus, but Zeus stares at Bartholomew with a grin plastered onto his face.
     "And what exactly does this training entail? Is it strength training? Intelligence testing? Stealth training?" Bartholomew questions what his training would be, but I just give him a devilish smirk.
     "Oh, none of that. Rookies for the first week learn how to do paperwork." Zeus busts out laughing and falls out of his seat rolling on the ground. Bartholomew tilts his head like a confused dog.
     "Paperwork? Shouldn't you be teaching me something more useful than paperwork?" Zeus stops laughing and pales, all the while having flashbacks to this exact scenario. Zeus begins to pray to Bartholomew, knowing that not even God could save him. Grabbing my briefcase, I open it and take out a stack of papers.
     "Well, Bartholomew, one needs to know how to do paperwork before they can learn the way of becoming an agent." Slamming down the stack of papers, Bartholomew looks at me with tears in his eyes.
     "Right here is 100 pages of paperwork, give or take. I want you and Zeus to get this paperwork finished by the end of the week." Zeus leaps up trying to plead his case, but I shut him up real quickly.
     "Guilty by association, Zeus. It is not so funny now, ain't it?" Zeus and Bartholomew hug each other while crying, knowing they will not be getting any sleep for a while. I clock them both on their heads in annoyance, and a huge bump forms on their heads.
     "Oh be quiet, this is only half of what I have to do anyway. Being a teacher for multiple students has me doing so much paperwork that I could make a throne out of it." Bartholomew looks at me in shock, trying to fathom how one person can do so much paperwork. Zeus sighs but slides the paperwork over to his side of the table. After a moment, Bartholomew comes to a realization.
     "Wait a gosh dang darn minute sir! You mean to tell me that you are forcing us to do your work!?" Bartholomew points at me with an accusing finger.
     "Of course not! I would never make my favorite disciple and newbie do my paperwork!" Bartholomew sighs in relief while Zeus just stares at me with no emotion and shakes his head.
     "Just kidding, I am making you do my paperwork." Bartholomew falls to the ground in despair with a cloud over his head. Honestly, I have no idea how an actual raincloud formed over his head, so I just chalked it up to writing shenanigans. Zeus picked up Bartholomew and the stack of papers and left Subway.
     At the end of the week, Zeus and Bartholomew hand in their paperwork. Bartholomew looked like a ghost and Zeus was asleep while standing up. Putting their paperwork into my bag, I brought them both over to a couch.
     "Good job sleepy heads! I'm thankful for you two and your efforts, so now go rest. And Bartholomew, welcome to the world of a secret agent." Patting both of them on the shoulder, they groan in affirmation and head back toward their rooms. As they walked off, I hurried to turn in the paperwork so I wouldn't be yelled at (again).
     Heading to my office, I began planning out Bartholomew's training. Physical training was not the most pressing matter because of his time on a farm, but I was more worried about his intelligence. Sure, there are times when you need to be a bodyguard, but it is a whole different thing when needed to hack and take down people who steal money.
     During Bartholomew's first month, I taught him how to hack, specifically to find people's locations and understand online lingo since he was a country hick. He's been struggling, but learning this stuff is supposed to be hard. When I would teach him martial arts (punching randomly really hard is not a martial art), he would excel with a lot of them. He explained that he had to wrestle with bulls, cows, and horses to calm them down. And, of course, I taught him how to effectively do his paperwork and figure out how to complete it quickly.
     When I thought that Bartholomew was ready, I would send him out on missions with Zeus. These missions would vary, some were guarding government officials while others were trying to get back stolen money digitally. Being a bodyguard was the hardest for Bartholomew. On one of his missions, someone pulled out a gun and tried to kill a government official, but Bart ended his attempt quickly. Bartholomew moved the official away and quickly shot the perpetrator dead. After the mission was over, I saw Bartholomew walk into his room, locking the door behind him. Turning away and walking towards my office with hands clenched, I could just faintly hear Bartholomew's cries of anguish. This job was never for the faint of heart, and I could only believe in Bartholomew that he would overcome this hurdle. It does not matter whether they were evil or not, killing is something that cannot be stomached easily.
After that day, Bartholomew was never really the same again. I mean, who would be after snuffing out a person's life? But, what I did see was smoldering determination in his eyes. During training, I decided to confront him about his recent kill.
     "Hey Bart, come take five, and let's talk about your first kill." Bartholomew got up from his computer and walked towards me, a confused look on his face.
     "Why would you want to talk about my kill?" Bartholomew waited for me to give my reasoning.
     "Well, after you cried in your room for a while, you came out and had this fiery determination in your eyes. I just wanted to know what conclusion you came to during your time of grief." Looking at Bartholomew, I hoped he came to a good conclusion about his actions. If he didn't, then I would personally deal with his mental problems. But, I wanted Bartholomew to learn this on his own.
     "During my crying session, I thought of myself as a murderer for a bit. I almost convinced myself that I had killed someone for no good reason. After calming myself down, I reflected on the events of my altercation with this person. He had purposefully been trying to harm someone important to our country, and I could not in good faith let that happen. Realizing this, I decided to kill for the sake of others. With my abilities, I will take anyone down if it is to protect the people of this country." Finishing his speech, he looked at me with a smile, and I couldn't help but smile back.
     "100 points to Bart! Well done little rookie, that was a terrific speech!" Clapping my hands, Bart bows like you would after performing.
     "Why thank you, thank you, I will be here all week." Bart and I begin to laugh at our silliness, basking in joy for but a moment.
     "It's also a good thing you killed that guy since he was a part of this drug cartel gang. They call themselves the C.D.S., also known as the Sinaloa Cartel. These guys have been taking over parts of Texas, trying to gain control of the many agencies here. Luckily, they have not gotten hear yet, thanks to you of course." Bartholomew looked at me in surprise at my knowledge of this strong cartel. Bartholomew looked like he wanted to say something, but with my telepathy powers, I read his mind.
     "No, you will not be engaging with this cartel for the foreseeable future." Bartholomew shrinks back at the ice in my voice but tries to push through.
     "But Angelo, this place is my home and I need to protect it! You can't stop me from saving my people!" Bartholomew shouted at me, but I did not budge.
     "Bart, this is a battle we cannot win. These guys are ruthless and have been able to sneak into our government facilities. They are not random street thugs, these guys are demons amongst humans." Bartholomew looks at me, sweat rolling down his face, and processes my information.
     "I'm doing this for your own good Bart, so you can lead a good life. Our government does not recognize you as an official secret agent, so you can still live somewhat normally." Bartholomew looks at me in confusion.
     "But I thought I handed you my documents, did you not turn them in?" Tilting his head like a confused dog, I smile at him.
     "Nah, I just forged some paperwork so they wouldn't know your true identity. And don't go telling people about my hand-dandy skills, okay?" Bartholomew nods his head up and down, not knowing how to respond to my answer. I pat him on his shoulder and he goes back to training. Watching him train made me remember that this job is a sacrifice. We are not merciful angels or devilish demons, we are just human.
     After our fun chat, life went on as normally as it could in this profession. Teaching Bartholomew, sending him on missions with Zeus, paperwork, and trying to stay sane. It was not all that bad, to be frank, but some days were worse than others. It is what it is after all.
     The months went by in a flash, the cartel creeping up in power quicker than expected. Knowing that my days were quickly numbered, I did some trolling and mixed up some paperwork. My actions had done what they intended to do, send Bart and Zeus on a 3-day mission away from here. Leaning back in my chair, it was only a matter of time before this agency would become either a battlefield or a base full of scum. Luckily, all was peaceful in the agency, until the building began rumbling. Standing up quickly, I heard shouts and gunshots ring throughout the building. Grabbing my gun, Bartholomew's ID so no one could find it if someone were to stumble into my office, and my flask of water.
     Sneakily, I began moving through the blood-ridden hallways. Many of my colleagues' bodies were strewn throughout the hallways, and the blue walls were now a dark red. Honestly, the blue color sucked anyways so it was nice to see something different. Shaking my head, I needed to focus instead of critiquing the walls. Creeping throughout the hallway, my nose was constantly filled with the stench of iron, rotting flesh, and rotten fruit. 'Stop,' I mentally corrected myself, 'I need to take some of these guys out so the cartel would have to replenish resources.' Quietly, I find the data room and see some of the cartels' members rummaging through the filing cabinets. Quickly aiming, I released the safety on my gun and was ready to lay waste to these fools, but I was soundly taken out from the world and into an inky black one.
     After a bit, I woke up with what felt like a split open head, most definitely a concussion, and was greeted with the sight of the leader of the Sinaloa cartel. Grabbing me by the hair, bringing me to eye level with him, he smiles.
     "Hola amigo, it seems you might have some things we may be looking for. Some members of your agency are gone at the moment, but we can surely track them down if you help us. We may even let you work under us as our boot cleaner!" The leader gets up close and begins to laugh in my face while the other members burst out laughing as well. Wow, so these are the scum of the earth, huh? Just hearing them laugh at me makes me feel like a pile of moldy dishes. While they laugh at me, I proceed to spit on the leader's face. He recoils in disgust and snaps his fingers, all the while looking at me with a smoldering anger that looks reader to be unleashed like a volcano.
     "Alright American, I tried being nice, but it seems that it has been taken for granted. Men, let's make sure this American understands that the taste of our boots would have been a much more desirable fate than this. Adios, gringo." When the leader puts his thumbs down, two men proceed to grab me and take me into a room filled with weapons. Great, I can't wait for all the fun I will have soon.
Well, newsflash, having your body parts removed one by one while being awake for the whole process is quite painful. My mind is consumed by the smoldering heat of pain from my wounds, along with the ice-cold feeling of death creeping in. Luckily, they kept my left hand intact for whatever reason, probably plot convenience so I could do something with it.
     The pain is too much, I can't even sleep from my wounds. Waiting for my death is honestly really sucky. I wished I could have said goodbye to Zeus and Bart, but I knew this was coming all along. I don't even know what time it is anymore, my days have been just filled to the brim with pain.
Suddenly, the door to my torture chamber was blown off its hinges, revealing Zeus and Bartholomew. It seemed that their mission was successful, so that was a plus. Trying my hardest to smile, I motion for Bartholomew to come quickly, feeling the reaper massaging my shoulders to get me ready for death.
     "Bartholomew, I thank you for being my most normal student. You were not the most talented, but you were skilled in your craft. I honestly wish I had given you this sooner, but later is still a good, nice way to go out anyway. Agent Bartholomew, I truly welcome you as a secret agent." Trying my best to reach for my left pant pocket, I pull out Bartholomew's identification card which has been stained with dried and fresh blood. Smiling at Bart I look over at Zeus to see him debating whether or not to cry, hurl, or both.
     "I hope to one day see you two, so don't keep this old man waiting too long, you hear?" Tears began to fall on my face, knowing that the end was near. Bart and Zeus rush towards me and envelop me in a hug, knowing that death would come. Smiling, I knew when I died that I could not wait to see what the lives of my students would become, and how their lives would end. My eyes become misty as my soul leaves my body, and into the afterlife, wherever that may be. Hopefully, it has some good food since I am quite famished.