There's no way out

body

''when was the last time you ate?''

That was the first thing I heard from my therapist. I could've sworn I knew it'd be the first thing on her mind.

''i can no longer remember the last time i ate three meals a day''

''I asked something different, Carolina.''

As soon as she said that, chills ran down my spine as I tried to think for an answer. I never wanted to give direct and proper answers to that question. What would I say? I always try to go below 1000 calories and either throw up all of it, or exercise for possible extra calories i've consumed. I began to weaken but I was strong enough to hit my goal. I wasn't gonna give up until I finally did it. It was an impulse I decided to follow. But in the end my heart was still beating, lungs breathing, body moving... everything was fine and I had everything..under..control.

''yesterday morning'' I lied trying to make it sound at least a little believable.

''good one, try again'' she said as she looked me right in the eyes. I let out a sigh knowing she wouldn't believe me anymore. I still don't get how the fuck she does that.

''i don't know'' i looked down at my hands, i couldn't keep eye contact with her. Although I knew I was doing this to myself, I never meant to get that far, and that made me feel guilty. But how my body looks now compared to how it looked 5 years back, made me proud of myself. My thighs used to touch and my stomach used to be bigger, my arms were fat and my face looked swollen. At least that's how I used to see myself before. I weigh 100 pounds now, but it's not enough. Not yet.

''You don't know...'' she repeated my words. ''Carolina please stand up''. I looked at her confused but stood up from the couch I always sit on when I go there. ''Go to the mirror and look at yourself'' I did exactly what she said. I walked up to the mirror and looked at myself. And that's when my eyes started looking for imperfections automatically.

''Do you see what you look like, Carolina? Do you like what you're seeing in the mirror?''

I paused for a few seconds to think of an answer. I both loved and hated the way I looked.

''I don't know'' I said quietly, still looking at myself in the mirror paying attention to my collarbones and my thighs for a few moments. My therapist stayed quiet for awhile probably thinking and trying to read my body language or whatever before she started speaking again;

''Thank you Carolina, that's all for today. But before you go, I'd like you to try and make a little bit of progress. You don't want to meet your end yet, do you?'' I looked at her and slowly shook my head no. She smiled at that and got up to open the door for me.

I was walking down the street going back home, it was awfully and surprisingly full of people. Most of the time it's always so quiet and people barely walk here, but I continued walking. The more I walked forward, the more people I saw and more people kept getting in my way. My body got pushed from left to right multiple times by all the human beings. I was more confused than ever, what the hell happened, that was the first time i've seen so many people in this street. I walked and fought with all I had in my whole ass body to get through the crowd and just go back home. But oh. I found out the reason just a few seconds later.

The cool gangsters with fast cars and money came back to the town for racing. I couldn't care less about cars though, so I continued my amazing journey back home until something ruined it. Maybe someone.

All I felt was a cold hand grab my arm and pull me to the side

''what the fuck?'' I exclaimed in confusion and starting panic of someone possibly trying to kidnap me. I looked up and... damn. It was him. His long black cornrows, the oversized clothes which I'm surprised still haven't fallen off him. And his eyes were looking at me. He was there looking at me with those intense and focused eyes. I've never seen such eyes. But to my surprise I realized he was probably waiting for me to say something instead of checking him out, almost drooling. But did I say something? Nope... I did not. He kept holding my arm and looking at me with a blank expression. I literally froze. But before I knew it, he pulled me out of the crowd in one quick motion.

''What are you doing here?'' He finally broke the silence between us two. To be honest, I was a tad ashamed of the condition I was in even though he already knew.

''I'm trying to get back-'' I got interrupted by Tom ''You went to the therapist didn't you?''

How the fuck did they always know everything about me? Was I really that bad at lying?

''yeah'' I said quietly with a little nod.

''You need to stop that bullshit, I'm starting to get sick of you trying to be the one to harm yourself'' He started to get sick of me being the one trying to harm myself? What was that supposed to mean, I thought to myself.

''I'm working on it.'' Tom sighed and his expression softened. ''You need to try harder Carolina.'' We stayed quiet for a while before it got a bit embarrassing.

''sooo...what are you doing here? Aren't you gonna join the race?'' I asked him. ''Nah, I joined the last four last week and I'm already bored of it, they're too slow. Besides I've got my own cars at home'' Tom said, a little smirk appearing on his face as he said the last part. He really got some nice cars. They were all black and shiny, must've been expensive as hell too.

He was like a 19 yo sugar daddy for himself. Even if he's a bit of a womanizer. But how couldn't I love that guy?

-----