There's no way out

tears

Tom helped me get through the crowd back home. Before I walked inside we talked a little about our memories together, the funny ones, even the sad ones...just a normal conversation. He then left and I finally opened the door. As soon as I took a step inside and closed the door, I felt like crying. Something was wrong with me and I knew it, I just never let myself admit my own fault.

My eyes started tearing up and I knew I needed someone close this time. I tried so hard to convince myself to call Tom or my mom. Just someone. But I couldn't. I leaned against the front door, my body slowly started shaking, and a few tears ran down my face. I took my phone from my pocket ready to call someone, anyone. I kept staring at it but nothing. I went to the bathroom instead, I opened the door and after I walked in, I closed and locked it. The mirror was there and it seemed to be waiting for me to look into it. And that's what I did. I walked in front of the mirror and started looking at myself.

It took me at least 5 minutes before I gave in to my temptations and grabbed a blade into my hand. I sat down on the cold floor and looked at my thighs full of healed scars and a few still healing little cuts all over them. I took a deep breath in and it started. One cut after another, some of them were deeper but it made me feel okay. It made me realize I was still here, breathing.I continued until I had no more space for more. I stared at my thighs for a moment. I felt no guilt, no regret, no fear, just release.

After an hour or so the wounds stopped bleeding. I got up, unlocked the door and went upstairs to my room. I had no idea why I let myself do that, but I knew I had to stop If i didn't want to go to the hospital. I calmed down and decided to text Tom if we could meet up for a few minutes; his parents lived a few houses away from mine, and he lived with them. At least that's what I thought.

He replied almost instantly and we met up next to a lake under a bridge, so close to the street we live in. It was always our fav spot. And the best thing about it was that it was just ours. No one ever went there, I don't understand why, it was such a beautiful spot.

Tom and I sat on the little sidewalk that was right next to the lake. I suddenly felt so calm and safe. But most of all, I felt the presence I kept craving. He looked at me and asked the question I hated the most. He for sure already knew why I needed to talk. Although I prayed he would avoid this topic, I decided to give real answers this time.

''What's wrong with you Carolina'' he asked quietly as his eyes looked into mine. I stayed quiet for a few seconds before I gave in.

''I hate myself this way. I hate the way I act and the way my actions keep pushing away the people around me and ruining the trust they had in me-'' I paused when I felt the tears building in my eyes, then I continued

''The thought of me being able to feel my bones without being able to see them as well makes me do the rest. And I'm sorry for that.''

Tom listened and kept looking at me, then he spoke. ''promise me you'll be okay'' he said. But his expression this time was basically emotionless, which made me doubt a few things due to his demeanor.

''I've got everything under control, I promise I'll be just fine'' I reassured him. At least I thought I did.

He stood up and offered me his hand to take, I took it and he pulled me to my feet.

''Come with me'' he said. Before I could ask where he wanted to take me, Tom was already sort of pulling me with him. I was confused a little but I trusted him, so i just went with the flow.

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