65. Criss Angel Is a Douchebag

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EXT. STREET – NIGHT

A magician demonstrated turning a heart-shaped balloon into a dove, to applause from the crowd. A sign on a nearby streetlight read Iowa Celebrates Magic Week Welcome the International Association of Magicians Sioux City.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

A magician practiced a card-handling move. Another magician, an old man, Jay, demonstrated a one-handed cut to the bartender.

"Charlier cut," Jay said.

"Wow. You're really good," a bartender commented.

Another magician, a younger man, Vance, and his assistant were sitting nearby.

"Yeah, great. Hey, show us another," Vance told Jay.

"Finish your drink, Vance," the assistant ordered.

"This is a simple riffle shuffle," Jay informed as he shuffled the deck and fumbled some of the cards. Vance laughed.

"Do a card trick for me," the bartender said.

"Ooh, here we go, The Incredible Jay," Vance stated.

"All right, young lady, would you please tell me when to stop?" Jay replied as he riffle the edge of the cards, stopping when:

"Stop," the bartender demanded.

Jay held up part of the deck, showing the card he was stopped on. He hadn't seen the card himself: it was the three of spades.

"This is your card. Commit it to memory, hm?" Jay said as he put the deck back together, the three of spades apparently somewhere in the middle.

"That's incredible, Jay," Vance noted sarcastically.

"Don't be a jerk," the assistant retorted.

"Right, now..." Jay began as he spread the cards out face-down, then used the four of diamonds to flip them all face-up. "Do you see your card?"

The bartender frowned. "Um...no, I don't."

Jay played with the cards, making the bartender laugh. "No, the cards say no."

Vance stage-whispered, "Check his pocket."

"For God's sake, Vance," the assistant muttered.

Vance got up. "Oh, just check—check the damn pocket!"

"So, if you then would remove—" Jay was cut off.

Vance came over and cleared his throat. He pulled a card out of Jay's pocket and turned it over. "This your card? It's the three of spades."

"Why are you so mean? Can't you just leave the old guy alone?" the bartender asked.

Jay was taken aback.

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

I Am the Douchebag by Christopher Lennertz and Steve Frangadakis played. Another magician, a young man, Jeb Dexter, was practicing a trick involving flying on wires, smoke, and flames in the palms of his hands, to a small audience.

Yet another magician, Charlie, an old man with a birthmark above his right eye, was one of the audience members. So was Jay and so was yet another magician, Vernon, an old man.

"Is he wearing eyeliner?" Charlie questioned.

Vernon squinted. "Can't tell. I'm blinded by all the sterling silver."

"The light has to find me!" Jeb cried as the music stopped. "Get it? It, it has to find me!"

"Let's take it back," the helper said.

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