One shots || Jake Webber x Johnnie || Smut and stuff

A/N

TW SH, drugs, homophobia, trans stuff, suicide, and stuff like that

I'm sorry if I don't post as often. School of starting tomorrow (I had spring break) and I've been in a really bad mental state. I literally have no motivation to eat or get up. I'm recovering from SH and I've tried to stop, I've so far made it almost 2 weeks clean! I've been having more panic attacks and I don't know how I'm going to survive in school... I'm about to give up and I really can't take anything anymore. I keep apologizing to all my friends if I did something even though I know they hate me and I should stop. I'm also starting to get bullied more again and that isn't helping me at all lately. I seriously can't get out of bed most days and I don't eat as much. I do this because I tell myself I deserve it and I get absolutely no attention from anything. My parents and family never pay attention to me and I've noticed are getting more unsupportive to me. I don't know how to identify myself because I am a girl, but being called one just doesn't feel right to me. And being called a guy feels better, but I can't really do anything about it due to my dad being really religious and my mom doesn't care, but is kinda unsupportive of that. I also don't know how to come out as bi to my parents even though I think it's obvious. I like guys, and girls, and I really don't care what you identify as, just as long as your my type and have a good personality. But I have been questioning my sexuality due to other stuff but yea. And I don't think I can ever really say stuff about this to my family because my dad's side is extremely homophobic and religious and I see them the most...my mom's side is more chill and doesn't care. I feel like dropping all my friends because I just doesn't feel like we're friends. Yea their good friends but towards me not really. But I understand that I've never gotten attention most my life so I always think I'm going to get none or what I want. I've been up till 5am every night/day and I'm getting worse...I don't know what to do anymore with myself. yea I need help, but I don't want it. I don't like seeking and finding ways to help me. I've always kept it all in my and sometimes it doesn't feel right to help myself. I've noticed that I've been much quieter than usual and I don't care. I really never care about myself and only care about others. I want to help people the best I can but I'm not Good at talking to people. I feel like I'm too mean or sensitive so I shut myself up and don't let myself speak. I really don't know what to do anymore with life. I always say "I want to KMS" and yes I do, but I wouldn't cause I'm too scared. I was scared of vaping and stuff and now I do it more. I was scared to cut myself and now I'm addicted. I was scared to be myself and now I don't give a shit what anyone thinks until I'm alone and get it all out. And once I get over being scared of something I do it which is why I need to help myself before it's too late. The only thing that have been helping me are Jake and Johnnie and other YouTubers. I've been watching them for who knows how long.

I'm sorry again if I haven't been posting. I'll try to again and I don't know what to do with myself so yeah