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4: Jumping off the bridge

I notice that the bridge is now getting busier. Must be closer to dawn. I haul myself back up. Don't matter if anyone sees it. Feels like a bad dream, all that honking, the city lights. Feels like the same stupid noise in my head I had for so long.

I just want to get this done.

I found myself thinking about reasons to stay, just because I really feel bad if you knew. Well, when.

I saw myself hanging out at your place, playing dress up with you. I saw myself packing my bags getting too excited to get on a bus with you to go anywhere. You were really the best travel companion I could ever wish for.

Even though I wouldn't call us adventurous, we had our own unique kinds of adventures.

If it was just seeing a ridiculously not-famous movie and then trying to truly analyze it. I truly miss how you would search "ending explained" after every movie we watch.

If it was just me making you tea and watching debates and fashion videos with you. If it was trying out new restaurants and hotels.

If it was us taking pictures at a Photobooth, or hosting parties at each other's places.

Even if it was just trying new skincare products together, it was all adventurous and lovely for me. And I hope it was for you too.

There isn't a single memory between us that I'm not fond of. And that is why I kept my journal mostly about you. Because even if today's adventure was trying out new vegan cookies, I want to write about it to never forget a memory we shared together. Because I already love and cherish them all.

I have never seen someone lit from within before you.

I understand that I may be in the way of something you want, but I could never understand how you could take that decision knowing I am something that you wanted, too. I'm sorry if that was too hard on you. I hope you made peace with it by now, knowing it may be what's best for you.

I couldn't help but cry and smile at all the memories I remembered now. It's like I can see my life flashing in front of me. I wish we could have made so many more memories together. Because even though we shared a million, I was really looking forward to making so much more.

I really hope you understand. This is not about you. I really hope that you know whatever happens, nothing and no one can take all this from us. What you and I had was far more than a friendship; it was genuine, true love.

"Alright, it's been nice e-meeting you; very nice voice on the bridge."

"Oh please, you can call me voice."

And for the first time in so long, I actually laughed. Genuinely. I really feel like I needed this voice earlier in my life.

"Well, voice, I'll be seeing you soon."

I took a step forward, looking down again at the water. This bridge may not offer escape, but it grants a choice. One final defiance against a life that stole my dreams. So be it.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

After what felt like a lifetime, I opened my eyes again and took a step forward.

But the world lurched beneath my feet. My stomach lurched too. What was that? Down by the water, a flicker. Not a reflection of the city lights, something... different. More like a shadow, but way too... alive, you know? Like it pulsed or something. Didn't have any shape to it, just a twisty, dark blur.

"You never told me the real reason behind this, though."

I froze, one foot hanging off the edge. It can't be.

"It can."

"Did I just—"

"See me? Yeah. You took the step, and we were just going to meet. Even though I was not done talking with you."

My heart started racing like crazy, pounding so hard on my chest.

I fell back down because my legs wouldn't hold me anymore, slamming onto the cold concrete, air whooshing out of me like a deflated tire.

I tried my hardest to catch my breath, but I couldn't. It's like I'm being suffocated by my own pounding heart.

But all that paled in comparison to the thing I saw down by the water.

What the heck did I just see?

Did I die?

Did I just lose my soul? Or am I just losing my mind?

This is all too much. I still can't stand up. I can't catch my breath. Trying to concentrate and figure out what I saw. Was that me jumping? Was that really them?

Am I talking to my own soul that died the moment I decided to jump?

Why am I not able to go with grace?

What the hell is stopping me here?

Am I just stopping myself because I don't want to do it?

Am I still even here?

What is happening to me?

I just lost my mind. And perhaps also my soul, too.

"Why won't you tell me who are you?" I yelled.

"Why won't you tell yourself?"

I stayed quiet. Not believing what's happening. I really thought this would be so much easier.

It's not like I can bear anything more to fuck me up in the head. I'm already screwed. I should've known this was my ill brain playing tricks on me like always.

But now all I can think about are the memories I saw. All vanished. I can't see anything now. I'm afraid I lost a part of myself in this process of not losing myself entirely.

"So?"

"What?" I shouted.

"You still didn't tell me why you're actually doing all this."

I took a deep breath, resting my head on the fence.

"I uh—" I replied, "I think I need a minute," gasping for breath, my voice barely coming out of me. Shaking.