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8: To: The bridge

I think I want to go now. Although the sunrise looks beautiful, I think I want to get some rest. And I haven't felt that in quite some time.

I have been restless for the past few years.

I'm smiling at the sun, rising slowly, it's rays touching my face.

"Oh crap," I tell myself, "I'm not wearing sunscreen."

And for the first time in so long, my train of thought shifted. I actually do need to buy new sunscreen. The one we bought together ran out a few weeks ago, and I couldn't get myself to buy skincare products without you.

But I will. And I hope that one day, when we meet again, I get to tell you about all the new products I tried, the ones I liked and disliked. I look forward to hearing recommendations from you then. Because you were the best at doing your research. I hope I don't buy something that would freak you out.

I need clothes, too. Because of all the hoodies you took. Well, let's be real, I bought most of them knowing you'll take them all. And that was nice, sharing clothes.

Well, I only shared one pair of pants that would fit me when I slept over. So you shared my clothes, and that was lovely and bonding to me.

I need so many other things, things that I didn't have the courage to get without you. Even non-physical ones. Like, I couldn't get myself to have fun without you because your kind of fun was unmatchable. But maybe, just maybe, other types of fun would be sufficient. I'll have to try to have fun on my own now.

Sharing a life with someone was so much harder than I thought. Everything that's yours was a landmine. I remember trying to escape everything and traveling to get away, only to find all the people asking, "Where's your other friend?" and that used to break my heart every single time.

I will be happy now to tell them that you could be with me next time; because I really hope you will.

I will also try my hardest not to compare everyone I get to know to you. It's okay that you're irreplaceable, my dearest friend. Because I don't want someone to take your spot in my heart, that'll always be reserved for you. But I guess it's okay to open up a new spot.

A new spot for me, perhaps.

I really want to take myself on new adventures. Try new cuisines, play dress up, and buy skincare. All on my own. I want to commemorate all the things we did together, not dishonor and ignore them.

I really want to look back at all the memories we shared and re-live them differently. See what happens if I love myself as much as you love me.

I don't know if that's possible, but I can't lie; it's exciting to think about it.

And it's okay to be alone. Our memories together should make me feel wholesome, not lonely. I want to be happy they happened. I want to look back at every single one of them and smile.

Because I want you to do the same, too. I want us to meet again and share all the things we did by ourselves. I want us to still be part of each other's lives, even if it is in the past tense. You really are irreplaceable, and that's a good thing. I got to experience all of it, and it genuinely makes me happy.

It really is a true honor to be your friend, even from afar. I promise to always speak well of you. I promise to smile at all the silly things we did together. I promise to always be thankful for where you got me in life and all the things you taught me. How we grew together.

And, of course, I promise never to forget how much you love me. Because only you taught me how much love I should be receiving. And only you taught me that this love should come from within, before anywhere else.

I wish I could tell you all that to your face. I wish I could hear what you have to say. But maybe it's for the best that this is one-sided. I really would hate to overwhelm you.

But yet again, I really wish you knew how much love you have given out to the universe. I really pray that you get all this love back from within and beyond. And so so much more.

You really deserve all that is good in the universe; because you haven't given out anything but that. I truly believe so.

I hope you're getting the ugly stains out of your jeans.

I hope you're taking your meds on time.

I hope you're staying hydrated and well-fed.

I hope you find love within yourself, and I hope you are with someone who cherishes and loves you unconditionally.

And just so you know, I'll always be here. Whether it's because you need to use my card or because you need a ride. I'll always be your friend.

Because a friendship this good can never be lost. I won't even allow it.

The sun is now fully appearing, reminding me that a new day has started. Although I really need some sleep now, I think I'll try that new bakery by my house. I've always wanted to. I think it's a German bakery.

And I think you know why I didn't dare to try it till now.

"Alright, voice, I'm going."

The city's already waking up; I can hear the birds chirping and cars whooshing past. Maybe a hot coffee and some German breakfast wouldn't be the worst idea before I go back to get some sleep.

Standing up, I brush the dust and grime off my clothes, a wry smile playing on my lips. Jumping the fence felt a hell of a lot easier than that emotional rollercoaster. Reaching my car, I unlock the door with a sigh, the familiar scent of leather and stale french fries a welcome comfort.

I look at the sunrise again before turning on my car. I really wish you were here to see it. I even hope you're seeing it from a different, even better place now.

I reached out for my phone from my dashboard, and I found a single notification sent a few minutes ago.

My heart skips a beat.

'Are you okay?' You texted.

I really miss reading your name. I almost forgot you were the only contact with a heart emoji next to their name.

I truly do miss you so much. But this feeling, this isn't my heartbreaking. This sweet ache I'm feeling, I'm actually glad you texted. I'm really glad you're still here.

That I'm still here.

'Sorry, I didn't text earlier. I am okay, just had a crazy night. I hope you're doing great. Looking forward to catching up.' I texted back.

As I put my phone down, that familiar unique notification rang right up.

'I'm glad to hear. Me too.'

I smiled. With all of my heart.

Before driving off, I rolled out the windows to the fence, yelling:

"I want to thank you. I don't really care who you are really. But just... thank you."

And thank you, dear reader. As you have been listening and trying to relate to every word I said.

We grew together through this process. I'm sorry if it was too much at a certain point, but I truly didn't have any control over it. I was too overwhelmed by my own self.

You have been a great companion through this journey of mine. I wish I could say I hope I'll be there for you, too. But we all have our different coping mechanisms. Don't be afraid to explore yours.

I would recommend writing, but that's just me. Talk to your family members, pay your therapist a visit, go to the gym, and try screaming from the top of your lungs; no one should judge how you get your thoughts out.

Whatever it is, it's actually fun exploring how you can process all the emotions you have. Because when you finally find it, it'll all be over.

As this, for me, has been nothing but cathartic.