The Shitpocalypse

New Boy

After we finished lunch, my friends and I made our way to class.

"See y'all later," I said, waving goodbye once I reached my classroom. Now that I'd eaten, I was prepared for a mind-numbing lecture about some Shakespearean shit. What I wasn't prepared for was seeing the shaky kid from earlier sitting at the desk behind mine.

Thanks for that, Universe.

Hesitantly, I took my seat in front of him, looking back and giving him a nervous smile. He glared at me, but instead of it being scary, it kind of looked like my dog's angry face.

Soon enough, class started and my teacher went on and on and on about the importance of differentiating theme and tone.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair as he droned. I started to zone out until I felt gross fingers in my hair, tugging hard.

Angrily, I slapped his hands away and turned around to glare at him. I half-expected him to look smug but he had the same angry face from earlier and he was trembling again.

For someone so confrontational, he was pretty spineless.

I rolled my eyes so hard I felt dizzy and raised my hand.

The teacher called on me. "Yes?" 

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't know, Tyler. Can you?"

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes again and corrected my horrid grammar. "May I go to the bathroom?"

He smiled in the fakest way possible. "Yes, you may."

I hurriedly left, glad to get away from all the assholes in that classroom. To my surprise, I found Trevor in the bathroom.

"Hey, dude, what are you doing here?" he asked, his face breaking into a grin.

"Uh, I go to school here. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I go here now. Originally it was because I was supposed to, y'know, kill you but that didn't happen," he said and laughed too loudly. "I might be, like, permanently exiled from the League but it's all good, bro."

"It's okay, Trev, I've got you, man." I offered him a hug which he accepted.

From the less than 2 days that I'd known him, I'd learned more than a bit about Trevor.

Firstly, he trauma dumps like nobody's business, holy shit. His best friend (boyfriend?) is Alan, the guy who attacked me. Trevor only bear-hugs, and he constantly smells like axe body spray and a fraternity afterparty.

"Okay, Trevor, you're suffocating me," I choked out.

He pulled away, still smiling at me real big.

"Oh, I have a question. Why is Alan trying to fight me?"

He grinned harder. "I didn't kill you so he had to pick up my slack. Why? Are you scaaaaared of him?"

"I'm not shitting my pants in fear, but I'm scared within reason," I scoffed. "Stop smirking."

He kept smirking. Okay, wow, don't listen to me, whatever.

"Trevor." His smile got bigger. "Trevor, he's trying to kill me."

"You're scaaaared of him," he teased. "But seriously, Alan is harmless. He might call you names but that's pretty much it."

"He isn't carrying anything, is he? Like a gun or a knife?"

"He's not, no worries," he reassured me, and I felt more at ease.

I smiled in relief and we fistbumped because that'd become our Thing.

"We should go to class now, Trev," I suggested.

"Aw, man, you're killing my whole vibe! Do you really think I'm a good student? I'm skipping, duh."

"Didn't you just start here today?"

"Shhh," he pressed a finger to my lips and started to push me out of the bathroom. "Bye, Ty. Hey, that rhymed."

Quickly, I strode out of there. As fun of a guy Trevor is, his dumbassery is tiring. Also, I'd been in the bathroom for almost fifteen minutes and didn't think my teacher would be happy about that.

When I got back, the desks were pushed together in pairs. It looked like we were doing... no, it couldn't be.

We were doing a...

"Partner project," Alan told me, still grimacing.

Thanks AGAIN, universe.

I sat down at my desk which was repositioned so that I was facing him. Alan had such a baby face, and his constant frowning made him look funny.

"So," I pulled a comically large bag of chips out of my backpack and started eating them. "I talked to Trev."

He raised his eyebrow, encouraging me to keep talking.

"He said that you're trying to kill me but you're super weak," I said between bites.

Alan's eyes got misty and his lip started to tremble.

"Are... Are you crying?" I asked gently.

He sniffled loudly. "No!" His nose started running and he wiped it with the back of his hand. I was extremely grossed out but I pushed down the urge to gag and offered him a stack of tissues.

Accepting them, he blew his nose and fought back his tears. It took him a while, but eventually, he regained his composure enough to have a normal conversation with me.

"You okay now, Al?" I asked.

"I'm fine," he snapped. "And don't call me that."

"Yeah, whatever, I bet Trev calls you that. Also, what's the deal with you and him? Is that your boyfriend?" I teased.

Alan blushed like a little girl. "No, me and Trev are best buds, that's all."

"Why'd you call him 'Trev' then?"

"You said it first, you hypocrite." His face scrunched up in irritation.

"Damn, Trevor was right, you are an asshole."

"He said that?" Alan frowned and sniffled again.

Wannabe frat boy? Check. Major crybaby? Also check.

"No, no, I'm just joshing, Al. Trev said that you're like, super cool," I lied again. But nice lies aren't that bad, right?

He half smiled, no longer crying. I sighed in relief because if I had to hear him sniffle one more time I'd fucking lose it.

"Now that we're done with the sobfest, how about we start? What's the theme of the project?" I asked, channeling my inner frat bro.

"We have to analyze a Shakespearean work of our choice and--" he wiped his nose with his hand, "--write a few paragraphs about what he was trying to convey."

For the rest of class, Alan and I discussed the importance of Shakespeare adding sex jokes to his work. Cuz doesn't everyone love a good 'ol meaningful dick joke every once in a while?