Dear Reader, maybe Charlie if for some reason my favorite fictional character of all time from the movie, or book 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' find this I am about to explain to you this book. It's a journal, mostly for me. To remind me that people are people, and they can be everything and nothing to us at all. All we have to do is choose.
My cousin got married on the third Saturday of March of this year, and since it's out of the country I didn't want to go. My cousin is nice, and her new husband is too. Both are Catholic, and they both act like everyone in the family. She's older than me, I was born in 01'. The child of a mom who died early in my life, and a father who was supposed to raise me Catholic, but didn't. I feel different every time I go up the mountains to visit family. Not enough of my dad, but since I didn't know my mom well enough I don't know if I'm like my mom.
She died before I entered High School, but that was all over a decade ago, I had a therapist in the Public School I went to, but there is only so much that you can say to someone before it feels too intimate to say to them. I have nice memories, but they are fading as time passes by. I wish I'd been born earlier, like my older siblings. I don't think I should give real names, so these are going to be picked on personality. My eldest sibling is a boy, he is my father's stepson since he was only my mom's but he was born in 88'. He is stubborn like me I'd say, he was an adult when Mom passed, and tried to parent me, but I set a boundary that he is my brother and an equal because who wants their brother hovering all over them? I didn't, so now it's better than before when I was an awkward teenager, who didn't like his want to be my authoritative figure. He meant well thought, he's funny, an asshole, extroverted, and in an existential crisis every once in a while about his age. He reminds me of the character Cole from the YA Dystopian Series 'The Darkest Minds' but without the flirty vibes since my brother is not a flirt nor a romantic.
My eldest sister is the closest in age to me, a 99' baby, with the MBTI personality type of Debator; ENTP. I watched a bit of 'The Gilmore Girls', so I think Paris would be her, argumentative, more assertive than me, and making me love-slash-hate her depending on the day of the week.
Myself, my name is not Mariposa, but please use that. I'm a MBTI personality type of Protagonist; ENFJ. You can guess from the name of the personality that I kind of think I am the main character, which sometimes is nice, awkward, and impulsive in my vocal opinions. I think we balance each other as siblings, we are what's left of my mom, so my brother tries to connect with us as much as possible, I understand that because my mother's brother, my Uncle lives far away and his in-law's family is a nice substitute but he'll always think of his life when it was us four the closest. My parents didn't last long after I was born, my mom was older than my father she knew what she wanted in life, and my father was younger and beginning to see the opportunities of being in North America that he didn't seem to notice when he got here. That's my nice way of calling my dad a womanizer, or slut when I hear him boast about cheating on his various partners in life.
These are all important people in my life that I still have with me, and I have always wondered; would I have been feeling as disconnected to my mom as I feel them sometimes?
Don't get me wrong, I love them, but I see everything like you Charlie, a Wallflower in my own family, the only reader in my family aside from my sister but she's very random in her reads. My brother with his pushing hovering pushing-controlling but well-meant protection. My father is a man better than his family but does not have enough emotional intelligence and sometimes he hurts me with only words. He's not a bad man, I just think that's how he's been raised so now I have to feel like a jabbed item when he is mistelling a story, or not knowing a self-awareness that makes him look like a bad man rather than an impressive man. My sister who also lost our mother, and is the eldest daughter helps our father better than I ever could, she does not feel seen, but when I tell her I see her she dismisses me. I knew I loved her more, but now I don't know. We kind of got in a fight at the wedding, it's a long story.
I'll write soon Reader, maybe Charlie.
