The Story of Us - Hyunlix - Hyunho

Rush Decisions Pt.I

So here we are now: Seungmin got married and started a family, embarked on a whole new journey in his life, separate from our group activities. It was a joyous occasion but also a moment of reckoning for all of us. Life happened and we had to adapt. Or move forward...

Seeing how Hyunjin was around Seungmin's newborn baby, how easily he took on the role of  happy and loving uncle, I finally made my decision. I could not and would not deprive him of this. It had to end. It was good while it lasted but we are in our thirties now. It is time to grow up and move on. I was confident I was right. But acting on my decision, that was a different story.

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We were together in his apartment, sitting together on the couch, as usual, in comfortable (?) silence. I was fiddling with my phone while stealing glances at Hyunjin who was sketching in his notebook, next to me. He was smiling to himself absentmindedly, lost in his own world. Eventually he realized I was staring at him. He lifted his head and looked at me.

"What?" He asked. "Nothing..." He put down his pen and sketchbook and scooted closer. "What are you thinking Yongbok?" He asked again, smiling sweetly at me. My heart melted at the way my name rolled of his tongue. I didn't speak. Instead, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to kiss him. It has been a while since we were last intimate. Because of my mood, I felt awkward and avoided his touch. He respected me and kept his distance although I know it pained and confused him when all of the sudden I was shrinking away from him.

But now I was kissing him hungrily.

"Yongbok..." he murmured softly, leaning away slightly. "We don't have to..." I didn't let him finish. I pressed my lips to his and kissed him roughly, desperately. He was hesitant at first but then he gave in to his own longing. It has been too long... Besides, I knew very well how to get him going. I knew he would never refuse me. His sweetness and gentleness were in stark contrast with my eagerness. I was getting myself worked up by grinding roughly against him, biting him, anything to provoke him. "Felix..." his voice was husky. "There is no need to rush, my love. I am not going anywhere..." But those words only made me more aggressive. Finally, he gave in and we were making out there on the couch, like we were in heat. While he was kissing my neck, making me weak in the knees, as always, I whispered in his ear:

"Fuck me!"

I felt him freeze. It was not a phrase I used, like ever, between us, before. He looked at me confused. I met his gaze and repeated.

"Fuck me! I want you to fuck me, Hyunjin-ah! Make me yours one last time!" My voice faded. I sounded so desperate. He looked at me even more confused. "I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon, baby. Calm down. I'll do whatever you want." He said pulling me back onto him. "Just tell me what you want, love." I was already breathing heavily and couldn't be reasoned with. My mind was set. I got up from the couch and grabbed his hand, literally dragging him into the bedroom. I undressed him between rough kisses and pushed him onto the bed. I took off my shirt and straddled him, grinding against his crotch, making him groan with want. When we got to the point, I almost yelled impatiently, all flustered and needy: "Do it!" He put his hands on my hips, stopping me. "Slow down baby. I don't want to hurt you." "You won't. Do it already, I need you." I whined, desperate. I knew he did not want to be rough.

After that night, when his jealousy got the best of him, he never was anything but gentle and considerate, always putting me first. But, I needed him to do it now, before I could lose my resolve. It was the last time I would be with him. It was the last time we would touch each other and I would hear his soft rhythmic breathing caressing my ear. It was the last time.

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We were lying in the bed, enveloped in silence. My heart was thrumming uncomfortably in my chest. This was going to be tough. I was reminded how it felt to be in his arms, making love to him, having him fall apart on top of me all the while giving his everything to please me. Our intercourse was intense and passionate, leaving us both breathless. And now, Hyunjin was spooning me, resting his forehead on my neck, smiling content. I avoided eye contact cause I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do what I had decided if I stared into his eyes for long, so I was glad he couldn't see my face right now. My resolve was wavering with each passing moment, as I melted in his warm embrace. I felt tears coming to my eyes. I held them back and made an effort to calm myself.

"This has to end." I spoke in a steady voice, surprising even myself. "What do you mean, love?" "This. Us... It is the last time. I can't do this anymore." He shifted behind me, trying to look at my face. I got up hastily, still having my back on him. "What's gotten into you today?" He asked confused. My heart clenched.

'Don't break his heart.'  I am sorry, Seung, I have to. I am so, so sorry...

I finally turned to face him as I frantically tried to put my clothes on. "Us, it is over. It was good while it lasted but we have to move on, to grow up. Find love, get married, have kids..." I touched his face as I let those harsh words slip out. "Find love?" His expression was one of hurt and disbelief. I put a knife in his heart and now I was twisting it. Hyunjin believed that love is forever and he loved me deeply. He was constantly saying it, declaring it, showing it... I was crushing him right now, tearing him apart, along with myself. "Why?" He whispered. "You don't love me anymore?" His voice sounded so small... "It is time to wake up, Hyunjin." I said with the last bit of determination I had. I pulled my hand away. I was being cruel but I was sure I was right. He would get over me and move on. He would do everything he wanted to do without me holding him back. Just like I would. I was sure. But right now he was hurt, confused.

"Yongbok, what did I do?" His voice came out broken. "Nothing. It is just how life is. We have to wake up from our little dream world." Cruel, cruel... "Is this really what you want?" Oh, the pain in his voice. His eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "Yes." I said firmly. "It is what I want. I thought about it and this is the right thing for both of us. You would come to the same conclusion, eventually. I simply figured it out sooner." I kept my face straight, neutral. He was trying hard to keep himself composed, I could see his anguish, taste it in the air. Cruel, cruel...  Silence fell between us. I stared at the wall behind him and his eyes were on the floor. Moments passed, empty, agonizinly so. "If that is what you want, Yongbok-ah." He said softly turning his gaze back to me. I could see a tear rolling down his cheek. "Is that really what you want?" The words lingered in the space between us unaswered. I blinked and turned around, running out of the apartment as if all the demons of hell were chasing me. I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I couldn't bear to see his defeated look. 

That night I cried myself to sleep, muffling my sobs with my pillow, so none could hear me while I fell apart.